"No MoRe MisTer NiCe JeSS"

2006-06-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

hello

2006-01-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

i officially declare this blog in a coma. Goodbye.

Random

2005-12-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

5 days til christmas and it is really hot. not just hot...but really hot. wait..i dont think anyone understands just how hot it is...it is really hot. and i complain alot...but its hot.

i think my blog is officially in a coma now. almost dead....but still hanging on. ive lost the inspiration to write about things that used to amuse me before....sure, things still do amuse me...alot of things amuse me...but just not enough to write about them. or maybe im just too tired to write about them right now.

see thats the trouble with me...im always too hot...or too tired...too cold...too awake...too alone...too overwhelmed etc. etc. (im sure you get the picture) to actually get up and do anything with my life...which directs me towards coming on here and writing in my blog which when you think about it..at the end of the day really does not achieve anything. im young and not tied down...i should be out having fun :)

but once again...its too hot.

OP results came in the mail yesterday....well done everybody...we have finally made it through school!! its like, school's been out for us for over 5 weeks now..and we've been everywhere like schoolies and everything...but it didnt really feel final until yesterday when we all got our results...or for those who got theirs on saturday because unlike me, they actually remembered to sign up for it...*slaps self over head* yes.. i are smart.

in other news, i got myself a second job. i am now a waitress at a rather dodgy chinese restaurant. yes...jess the waitress..seems a little hard to believe...but i can always be on my best behaviour when its needed:) but the restaurant is really dodgy...its run by three chinese people who cant really speak a word of english so im not really sure what they're saying half the time...so ive started doing the whole nod and smile thing again...but my older sister works there so at least there is one person i can understand. and we waitress together...we actually get on for once. and there are another pair of sisters that work there as well...but usually its just me and my sister...which means when you've got peole dining in, people coming in for take away, and people ringing up for delivery...it gets rather stressful. but..its 4/5 nights a week..sometimes 2/3...and cash in the hand..so im not complaining. plus im still working at subway...have been there for about 7 months now..seems like forever. and now i really want a third job...

i never wanted a part time job..but now i am addicted....must get third job.

i keep getting distracted by msn and everything and sort of forget the purpose behind this entry..i know there is other stuff i wanna say..but i will leave it here for now i guess.

merry chirstmas everybody!:)

THE JESS SURVIVED SCHOOLIES 2005!

2005-11-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

helllooo everyone:)

i got back from schoolies today....a yearly ritual where all year 12 students head towards the gold coast and do nothing but drink, sleep around, see how many people you can hook up with in one night...eat nothing but crap...party on the beach all night...get about three minutes sleep and then do it all again the next day...for a whole week.

it was good fun. but really, it's not as bad as it seems...how the news makes it out to be the worst thing ever etc. etc. ah the joys of media positioning!

anyway...im tired...as you can tell...coz im starting to talk about media positioning...and i think i need to get some sleep....plus there is this awesome cupcake just waiting to be eaten...so i think i will go eat that now. but thankyou everyone for an awesome week...most importantly, tara, for putting up with sharing an apartment for me for the whole week and having to constantly step over my mess...its much appreciated lol. and also, for following my mums wishes and not allowing me into the kitchen too often lol

most importantly...i came home in one piece...with only a few bruises from the waves...and a sore throat thanks to the cold i caught from dave (good on you dave, of course you have to get sick the one week that is meant to be the best week of our schooling lives:)) lol

but school is out forever now! i am free:) and from here on...the rest of my life starts!

2005-11-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

Nobody lives forever :)

2005-11-05T10:55:00.000-08:00

hey everyone...just letting you all know that i am still alive...thats if anyone even reads my blog...not that there has been much to read about lately. and the fact that i havent got alot to write about and there really hasnt been much time to write is also a problem...but oh well.

im actually sitting here studying for my second last exam ever....philosophy and the law....which isnt as boring and bad as i thought it would be. it's actually quite interesting. and then i jsut have to do a geography exam tueesday morning and that's it...forever!

but yes...must get back to work....take care everyone:)

rambling

2005-09-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

only 4 and a half weeks to go...four days of exams...and then graduation!! and that's it! school is over forever! and ever..and ever...and ever

and then schoolies...

and then...i have no idea. i am so over trying to decide what to do with my life next year..how the hell am i supposed to know? and what's with this english assignment...it is so boring and pointless and time consuming...and what's with some of the english teachers deciding to go on holiday, leaving their class of almost 2 years now to do one of the most important english assignments of the year under the direction of a substitute teacher that has no idea at all what he is talking about.

but in other news..i have two feet:)

A Year Ago Today :)

2005-09-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

Me and Dave :)

It's amazing how much can happen in a year...they say it takes just seconds for your life to change...so imagine what a whole year can do for you

a year...365 days...52 weeks...hours...minutes...seconds...however you want to define it...in a year, you can lose anything and everything...you can gain so much more than you ever expected you would....you can sit in a corner and let the days pass you by...you may be forced to even say goodbye...maybe you've accomplished something you never thought you would...you can lose friends...you can gain friends....battle poor health...feel like you're alone...feel like you're on top of the world....or like me, maybe the year has passed you by and cant really remember a thing, except tiny flashbacks that eventually all piece together so you have at least a small idea of what did take place over that year.

i have experienced all those things..and a whole lot more....ive lost a few things...gained alot...ive had those days we're ive sat in a corner, feeling like the whole world is gonna crumble over me at any second...then again, ive had those days where everything makes perfect sense and i couldnt be happier...i havent really had to say goodbye...but i guess, as this year comes to an end...i'll be saying goodbye to a lot more than i want to...ive definitely accomplished many things i didnt think i would....ive lost a few friends...gained some ..(actually, havent really 'gained', but ive sort of come to the conclusion that those surrounding me are in it for the long haul)...ive battled a little bit of bad health, just the flu...ive felt like i was alone many times, and of course, ive picked myself up again and felt on top of the world....and right now, im sitting here having those tiny flashbacks that are helping me to piece together everything that has happened over the last year.

time just goes so fast. its true what they say..that you should stop and embrace every tiny moment and memory coz it will never happen again...but then again, even doing that could be considered wasting precious time. my theory? i've learnt to do what makes me happy. ive found comfort in the things that make me happy...been thankful for everything ive got...and embraced a single moment as to remember it for ever.

one particular moment i happened to embrace...and that i'll always hold close to my heart forever is that of september 22, 2004. things have been...different since then. not exactly picture perfect at all times..but other times, ive been so ecstatically happy that its hard to contain.

so alot of you are probably wondering why i am going on about this whole year thing, and probably thinking, shouldnt i be reflecting on my year when it ends? and the new one starts? well to me...on september 22 2004, a year did start...and today, exactly one year later...another chapter is beginning to start. not even i know what will happen from here on...but i dont mind not knowing...thats half the fun :p

it was on this day, september 22, one year ago that i started going out with my boyfriend Dave....and what a year it has been :)

Existence

2005-09-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, i've been scared of existence. just the fact that i am living..and breathing...that i have the ability to love...to make people cry...to cause pain..to hurt people...to learn...to judge...to comfort...to make a difference etc. the fact that i have the ability to do all these things and much more is almost inconcievable to me.

existence itself is weird. just the fact that we live....we die....everything. sometimes i get myself so worked up over things like this....that my thoughts get so deep that there are just no words to describe it. like right now...i know i wanna be saying something...i just cant figure out what. maybe i need to lighten up a little.

its just, 10,000 years ago...there was existence..and i know its true...i just cant get my head around it. its like, in a weird sort of way, i was living by the belief that everything existed in the seventeen years that i have lived...that the only places that exist are the ones that i have seen and been to...the ones that are etched into my memory. and everytime i go somewhere new..its like this new discovery...something i have discovered...something no one else ever has. its the same for world events, like, for example, the landing of man on the moon. i know it happened...but because i wasnt there..it just feels like a black and white movie...like a history book...it doesnt feel real to me. its like my parents, i've always seen them as my parents...coz thats how ive seen them for the 17 years of my life. its hard for me to believe that they were once children...that they lived in the same straight, grew up and got married. it just seems so surreal to me.

until i have been there...until ive touched existance...smelt it...embraced it and breathed it in...thats when i'll start to believe it.

it's like, in another 10,000 years, this very moment is going to mean nothing. this blog will be disowned...i will be no one...every memory made...everything i have experienced..will mean nothing. all of my possessions...everything ive ever held close...will be passed down from generation to generations..and gradually, with the passing of the years, they will start to lose their momentum. everything will be gone....i will be gone...you will be gone.

so why all this worry then? and why all the pain? why do so many people become consumed in materialism and the ways in which hey are disadvantaged...how their life is so hard and bad...when in reality, nothing is ever as bad as it all seems to be. in reality, you could be dead tomorrow, or in the next five minutes...so just live a little. dont exhaust yourself...dont try and swallow the world whole every second of the day..just relax..and do what makes you happy.
this is existence..what you are experiencing now and everything around you is existence...enjoy it while it lasts.

its things like that that i have a hard time understanding. sometimes, the world just seems like a complete contradiction to me. its like, we're living in a world where cloning is not legalised for fear of playing god...when, if you take a look around..we have been playing god for centuries by unnaturally and intentionally killing people and animals. if we have the ability to unnaturally kill someone through man made weapons, then why is it so unnacceptable to create life through man made medical advancements fueled by the intelligence (or maybe even unintelligence) and knowledge that we has humans have established.

its just funny that these days...we have led ourselves directly to an unnatural fear of dying, fueled by questioning our existence. in today's society, it seems that patients die hidden away in hospitals in the cold ompany of machines, not in the company of relatives or friends. it seems we have forgotten to die with our dignity in tact, as it is no longer part of our everyday lives. ancient civilisations accepted dying and embraced it as a natural and beautiful thing...yet in this day and age, it is a fear, something we desperately try to postpone..and with rapid advancements in technology...we are forcing ourselves to go against the natural order of survival and push our bodies and existence to the extreme. it seems in a weird way, that whilst forgetting how to live....we have somewhat forgotten how to die.

a great mythologist, joseph campbell, once stated that many of our modern problems...from drug addictions to violence comes from our collective lack of spiritual visions, meaning that we have simply forgotten that our ordinary, everyday lives are spiritually important...meaning, i guess, that we've become so wrapped up in technology that we are no longer living naturally, but instead, as some form of artificial intelligence. and in my mind, his theory is right in so many ways.

something else that has been bugging me quite a bit is just the mind frame of us humans in the westernised world. i mean, withthis whole hurricane katrina thing...everyone is complaining about not having shelter...food...and what has it been...a few weeks? dont they realise that in a country like ethiopia, with a population of 70 million, there are 2 million orphans, of which 720,000 are living with aids...and have been living in these conditions for years on end. i know its not my place to pass judgement on the way americans are reacting to the whole hurricane thing...coz i havent lived through it..and well, i have shelter..and water..everything i need...so im sorry if i sound insensitive...but its true...

i wanna know why pain and human warfare is so acceptable in quantities...when a child is dying every three seconds its ok..when a few americans or australians die..it makes front page news..and seems to be the biggest disaster of all time.

and why is it so acceptable for people to hurt if they're a different colour or speak a different language? its like ..just because they're a different colour...then they must be used to the pain...thats its different and less painful for them then it is for us. and thats a terrible mind frame to have. its like we know thats they've lived like this for so many years, so we know that they've accepted these conditions and that its their fate. i really just dont understand this world sometimes.

but, in coming to an end...can someone please just tell me why it is that these days, it seems so much harder to live then it is to die?

2005-09-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

i finally get the chance to blog....and now i have nothing to write about

not too much has been going on...i finally got all my assignments done...except i still have an enlgish one...but i have all holidays to do that so i guess it doesnt really count.

im meant to be at school right now...but i came back to dave's house..now that assignments and stuff are over..im too tired to learn new work..so i figured there's no real point being there:)

im going to the movies tonight!:)yet me and ang are being so cheap that we refuse to go near chermside...sticking to toombul instead...so we cant even see the movie we wanna see lol...all because we get it cheaper..and cheap food afterwards:)

im really bored. life is so uninspiring at the moment. there's not too much to look forward too.

first week of the holidays im going away with dave and his family to noosa...*evil laughs*...DAVE FAMILY HOUSEHOLD VACATION! should be nice and relaxing..i hope..and then the second week..well who cares..coz its holidays:)

i hope i get work...last holidays they gave me one shift..gee thats great...and then they give me like, all these shifts to do next week but of course i'll be away...but still...oh well

i cut my toe on a heater before lol stupid heater..i still maintain that IT was in the way and it was entirely its fault...so my whole toe erupting into a horrible mess..and it still hurts now:) thats what u get i guess for not watching where you are going.

im really restless. i have the urge to terrorise someone or something. soooo....bored

this entry is really random...

i hate moments like these coz you really wanna blog but there's absolutely nothing to write about..and i wanna write something deep and meaningful...but i cant think.

and i think the problem is..as soon as people started reading my blog..i started writing for them..and not for myself anymore..so i was constantly trying to make my blog interesting for them etc. etc...but it backfired and now i have nothing to write about....

anywayz..im gonna leave it here. take care everybody:)

...

2005-08-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

hey guys...how is everyone.

im pretty good...my neck hurts though..dont know why im sharing that with everyone....

but anywayz...lol

work the other day sucked. i was working with one of those supervisers, who just got a pay rise so they think they are top shit...and treat you like ur nothing. i know i may be new...but i do know what im doing...and dont need to be told to do stupid things over and over again by someone who doesnt even have the right to push me around like that. there's this new rule at work..where we have to wash our hands, like, every single time we do something...fair enough, its great that they're so tight on making us wash our hands and everything...but now its just gone a little bit too far. for example, you'll be out the back preparing food..so you'll put a pair of gloves on and go about putting the food into the storage containers and everything...if a customer comes in..we used to be able to just take off the old gloves and put some new ones on..but now we have to take off the old gloves, go wash our hands, and then put new ones on...it really is pointless. and then we have to put a pair of gloves on to get food out of the freezer..come back to the bench thingy, take the gloves off, wash our hands, put a new pair of gloves on, walk over and get the container to put the food in..come back and take off the gloves..wash our hands..put new ones on...put the food in the container...when we're finished there, take the gloves off again and wash our hands..put new ones on...put the food in the freezer...take them off and wash them again..and then go about doing whatever....so what would take about 5 minutes now takes 15.
its just gone way too far. talk about a waste of gloves and water....

and then ...i found out that the only reason we are made to do this is coz 6 years ago in america, a subway store gave 15 people hepatitis. for one, in case you havent realised..this is australia...not america..and secondly..it happened six years ago..so why would you enforce the rule now???

ah well..enough about that.

formal was on tuesday...it was actually a pretty good night...i wasnt really looking forward to it...but it turned out better than i had expected. there was such a build up to it though, that when it finally came..it just went way to fast and i cant really remember too much. the hairdresser though that was doing my hair was telling me all these weird stories about how her drink has been spiked 5 times and everything..and im just sitting there thinking, "rrright..ooook then..." but oh well..and then the pre-formal went so fast...cant remember too uch of it..i didnt even get photos with the people i wanted to...and i cant even really remember what half the people looked like...but im sure there will be plenty of pictures in the year book...at least i didnt roll down the stairs on my way in..that was the only thing i was scared of...and the night actually wasnt that cold which was good coz you cant exactly get winter formal dresses...ahhahah..it would be funny if you could..but yeh...and apart from my feet killing me coz im not used to walking in heels..it all turned out pretty good.

except for the after party..where the cops had to come in and break it up..leaving us stranded on some random round-a-bout at 3 in the morning freezing...but to all the guys and girls in our group..i just wanted to say that you all really did look amazing..and thanx for a great night.

i thnk thats about all i have to say right now...i should get back to assignments...

but i just wanted to say that the only reason i havent been blogging too much ately is coz my computer is screwed and never lets me in...so the only times i really do is when im at daves house...but who really wants to sit around and blog when they're at someone's house neway?

but until next time..i hope everyone is well..and take care

BORING

2005-07-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

ahh jess jess jess:)

i just thought id come on here and say a few words coz i havent posted in ages..mainly coz i have had nothing to write about.

i have a thousand assignments all due in on the same week...and then QCS trials were today and yesterday..talk about boring...im just glad they are all over.

i hope i dont jinx myself...but i still have my job:) its lasted longer than three weeks!:) actually, its been just a bit over two months now..i am proud.

and now im getting sick of the same old stuff...over and over again. you get up in the morning...and have like, 15 minutes to get ready...coz of course, i sleep in lol..and so i have to rush to school..the day drags on and on and on...you go home...sit around..do your homework...off to bed...then on saturdays..u sleep in..do assignments or whatever..and then sundays i work. same thing every single day. ahhh well. less that four months till graduation now! less than four months until schoolies!:) ahh good times:)

anywayz...im meant to be studying for geography...so i guess i will write again later. take care everyone :)

2005-07-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

hey everyone. yep...i am ashamed...i have been neglecting my blog. because ive been working...and sleeping....and now that school started back up today and i already have four assignments, it seems that i wont be writing too much anymore. plus i dont really have anything more to talk about these days.....but until i write next time....take care everyone:)

ahhhhh jess jess jess:)

2005-06-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

not much has been happening in the life of the jess lately. just the usual...freezing cold and really tired...but trying to enjoy the school holidays anyway.

ang, berna, tara and liz...thanx for yesterday. it was good, we'll have to do it more often - we had some good laughs (but next time girls, i say we leave liz at home with her chalkboard - lol, just joking) but yer, it was awesome.

dave....ahahahha im sorry i pushed you into that rose bush last night, but ahahah it was absolutely priceless to see u rolling around on that old womans lawn lol aahahahahahahAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAH

but apart from that...i paid a visit to the optometrist today...and the jess doesnt need glasses! which totally sucks because i wanted glasses. but it turns out my sore eyes are a result from not having an average persons tear ducts...which means i cant produce too many tears like other people can...so therefore, my eyes dry out and start burning....but i only have to ut eye drops in three times a day for the rest of my life (which i will not be doing...because i have a horrible memory:) )

but after that...i went shopping with my parentals...and finally got my formal shoes! of course! but they are horribly uncomfortable..and there is no way i can walk in them...but they match my dress...so thats the main thing. and i figured i can just...stand against a wall for the night....or just...stand in one spot....or just...get dave to carry me lol....nah...at least i'll look cool TRYING to walk. and i also resisted an urge to go against my parents and get my tounge pierced today...but i decided that after 4 years of dental work, it's probably not such a good idea :p

hmmm i think thats about all....my life has ben pretty boring lately...im just enjoying watching endless hours of daytime tv...not to mention midday movies! but it sucks..because work gives me all these shifts during the school week..and now that im on holidays..they havent given me any...except for on saturday and sunday...kkkkk....oh well...any money is good money i guess:)

anywayz...ths has been a boring entry...and im pissing myself off lol...so im gonna go

but ang and berna....you guys have an awesome time in new zealand! dont do anything i wouldnt do ;) and just have fun i guess! and hopefully...the plane wont crash like it did in my dream. and take care of chops

and dave...happy nine months for yesterday:)

goodnight everyone...sleep well!:)

Summer!:)

2005-06-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Dave, Matt, Tara, Jess (hey thats me!), Berna, Amanda Sunscreen Line!

Do you guys remember that day??? alll the way back in summer. the year certainly does fly..that was i think, about 6 months ago.

so many memories. ang....do u remember getting stuck in that rip? lol...there we are, in alife and death situation...and we're just killing ourselves laughing. ah well, at least we would have died happy. and then berna, do u remember buying that bottle of water...and how we seriously were not gonna pay $3 something for a bottle of water...so we got that homebrand one for like, $1....that was a bargain...and afterall, water is just water. and then that old grandpa..who whistled at us...and it was like "no. just no." lol

and then how tara found one flipper in the surf....not two, just one, and proceeded to wear it along the beach for the next how ever many minutes lol. such a tara thing to do! you're a classic.

and then how we all got sooo burnt, that the air conditioning on the train home was making us freezing...and none of us could move for the next couple of days because the pain was so bad.

but oh well, it was worth it.

i actually shouldnt be complaining about the cold....coz summer is unbearable....so im just gonna shut up and move on...

and oh yeah, if any of you guys in the photo dont want this photo on my blog for whatever reason..then just say so,..and i shall remove it asap. but its just one of my favourite photo's ...it was so feral at the time...but actually turned out really good!

just another word from the jess...

2005-06-19T05:34:00.000-07:00

i get so much enjoyment out of being 17...stupid...and not really having a care in the world. overall, i have a pretty good life. i like my life. my life is good. and there are moments that i take it for granted...everything i have...etc etc...but there are moments, just like the one im having now, where i am content...and happy with my life.

but now that i have go that out of my system...im going to share with you the stupid things i have done over the last 24 hours...

alright, so i was at dave's house last night...and there were candles lit in the house, and me, being a jess, thought to myself that id do something nice and blow them out...so that the whole house didnt burn down throughout the night. the first couple i blew out gently...and they were still sort of glowing...so i thought, hey, maybe i should blow the rest out a little harder so that there is no risk that everything will catch fire. so along i come...and blow out this one candle, realy really enthusiatically, ...and well, bad idea....my face started stinging...and i couldnt figure out why...turns out that i had blown the candle so hard that the bioling hot melted wax had gone all over my face... and all through my hair as well. but thats not all....it also went all over dave's desk...all over his school books...his desk chair...and his school jersey which he paid heaps for. sorry david! lol but in all honesty...it was hilarious..it really was...i must have looked so dumb with wax all over my face..actually, i think there's still some in my hair even now lol

and then, just wanting to help even more..i thought that i would go and move the other candles..and well, i sort of pushed them out of the way...causing the wax to spill all over the floor....and all over my fingers and ahahahahahahahahaha it was just so funny..but i guess you had to be there...

but its just a typical jess thing...like, i was tring to help..and i caused more damage than ever ahahaahahahhaha ah good times.

ok and then today, i was at dave's house....and whenever he hugs me, i like to do this thing where i just let my body go completely dead, and sort of just hang there in his arms...so that my body is relying on him to hold it up...and i always do it to him, just as a joke really..but today, dave decided to teach me a lesson. but..it toalyl back fired on him lol..this time, when he hugged me, i started falling back, and well, he let me keep falling...so as jess was plummeting to her slow and painful death...dave's conscious kicked in and so he tried to catch me, but it was a little unsuccessful, and he ended up completely stacking it..landing underneath me, who them proceeded to land on him...accompanied by this huge thump..so there we are, just lying on the floor...in immense pain...killing ourselves laughing. but ti was so worth it just to see dave completely fall to the ground! lol

ahahahahhahahahahahahaha

and then later on...i decdied it would be fun to tackle him...but yeh...that didnt work either. he was standing near his bed...and so i decide to full tackle him, but as i tackled him, and he was landing on his bed..i went down with him and full hit my head on the hard bit at the end of the bed..and i swear i was *This close* getting a concussion...my..head...hurt..so...much....and now i have a huge lump pn my face AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ah well...it was all funny...i havent laughed like that in ages....

just another day int he life of the jess:)

2005-06-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

never fear my friends..the story about the flying fox will be posted soon...

but right now..i was going to write..but its just so cold that my fingertips are hurting and it hurts to type. im such a coward lol.

but yer...im gonna get some sleep. ah sleep! goodbye friends!:)

the winged beast suspected the jess!

2005-06-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

im sure ive already told some of you this...but a few weeks ago, i hate a fight with a crowe. yes, immautre i know...but it was annoying me so much. ok..so at exactly quarter past 5 every morning...a crowe would come and sit on my window sill...and just...crowe i guess...just continually...it was either on my window sill or on the tree outside....but either way, i just knew it was out to get me. so i would finally pull my freezing little self from under the covers...and just as id get enough energy to stick my head out the window and give it a piece of the jess...it would fly off....leaving an exhausted jess standing there cursing.

so it went on for about two weeks....at exactly the same time..and each time it would win. i would be woken up...by a black winged creature...and it would just fl yoff in all its glory over and over again.

well no one ever suspects the jess do they? so...i decided to outsmart this beast....and set my alarm for precisely 5 minutes before it was due to come and sit on my window sill....so i waited there..at exactly 10 past 5....smiling and laughing to myself that i was gonna win today...and i waited....and waited....and waited...and well, waited..and waited. THE DAMN CROWE DIDNT SHOW UP! yep...the one morning out of a possible 14 mornings that it had been there, it decided not to show up. it suspected the jess! the damn crowe suspected me!...so, like always, i had a bitch to myself and crawled back into bed..praying that it would just not return...

so the next few morning were peaceful. the crow didnt show up..and i got some much needed sleep.

and then...a few days later...well what do ya know, i was awoken to that same pesky crowing noise...

but...i gave up..like always, the jess gave in..and thought, well hey, as long as the crowes happy..then thats all that matters i guess. so it went on and on and on for the next few days...and finally, after many mornings of no sleep....jess was at breaking point!

i was refusing to face defeat..this crowe was not gonna get me.

so it dissapeared for a few days again..and then, yep, one morning, whilst doing my hair for school in the bathroom...i see a black winged beast land on the window sill out of the corner of my eye. i turned to look..it had gone. so i walked over to the window....and there it was, on the ground, perched on the grass, looking up at me.

i nmust admit..it did look cute...but i gave it a piece of my mind...in which it looked at me in silence..before doing one very long..sarcastic..drawn out crowing noise....so i spoke back to it...which caused it to speak back...so there i stood...a 17 year old girl, fighting with a crowe...aahahahahhaha....and finally....after throwing in my best efforts of sarcasm and repreated "oh yeh your cool"...it did one final crowe....and then i swear, dead seriously swear, that it winked at me...and then flew off into the distance..

and well...i havent seen it since. so the jess has been happy getting much needed sleep now...

well..that was until the flyinf fox arrived...but hey, thats a different story.

2005-06-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! nudge! this is nudge...he has conjunctivitis:)

watch out world..the jess wants to fly:)

2005-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

ever since i can remember i have always wanted to fly. ive just always had a fascination with planes and stuff....maybe it goes back to the fact that dad used to take me there as a little kid to look at all the planes and stuff...and i love astronomy...i just dont have the time to read up on it...and really, all that technical stuff like the postion of whatever star from whatever is just too boring..i just like to look at the stars...and well yeah...its one of those things you look at..but u cant put into words what u see...coz its just too beautiful. i have always wnated a telescope...but not one of those crappy ones...ic ould've bought one of the cheap ones by now...but i want a really awesome one..and dont u dare think for one minute that im not gonna get one one day:)

thats why they should seriously have astronomy as a subject...but i wont start crapping on about that...

ya see, if i was smart enough...or lets just say, if i was good at science..i would have a career in something to do with astronomy...but hey, at the end of the day, you dont need an education to walk to your back yard and stare at the stars do you? :p and then i started thinking....that maybe i could be a pilot....but im not exactly the most calm person in life or death situations...and i cant figure out all that science stuff either....and then i started getting really depressed thinking that i couldnt turn my love of flying into anything...

so, as soon as i can, and as soon as iget enough money together...i am going for my pilots licence. just to fly those small plane thingy's lol yep...something ive always wanted to do...and im gonna do that. i'll hopefully get it next year.

so, if anyone needs to go anywhere...dont worry, the jess will fly you:)

and oh yeh...who wants to come sky diving withe me on my 18th birthday next year? :)

2005-06-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. i dont have much to write about...just wanted to say hi to everyone...and make sure you're all okay:)

be happy everyone!

...jess.

2005-06-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

the weirdest thing happened when i was trying to get to sleep last night. i was just lying there..thinknig and stuff....and i like, went into that really weird stage where you're half awake..and half asleep...and i started to lose all feeling in my body..i seriously could not feel any of my limbs...it was like i was just a brain lying on a pillow....my mind was fully alert...but my body wasnt...and everytime i tried to move one f my legs or arms..it was like lifting heavy weights....and i felt like i was staring at myself sleep. soooo weird. i thought i was dying (yep i panic in situations like those)...but i was losing sight in one eye..and i just felt so drained. my whole body was asleep...but my mind wasnt. i think i need help...lol ahahhahaha

just get over it already

2005-06-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

"Every day, some 800 bears imprisoned in Japanese bear parks beg human visitors for food. They're not being cute. They're fighting for their lives.
Most tourists would be appalled to learn the real cost of their visits. The unnatural circus acts that so delight the punters are no fun for the stars, beaten and tormented into “playing” soccer, riding bicycles or balancing on balls. And when the crowds go home, they’re crammed back into bleak underground concrete pits. Deprived of light, food and space, smaller bears are vulnerable to aggression. Disease and injury are rife."

and...it happens everyday. i'd give more information...and write more stuff...but id just get emotional and have a breakdown...so i'll leave it at that. some say they're just animals...and to a certain extent they are...but they still breathe....they still feel pain....so why cant people just give them a fucking break? just back off a bit....and i dont know...make a kite or something...JUST STOP HURTING THE GODDAM BEARS!

what is with the human race these days? im ashamed to be part of it...we are so screwed up..so selfish..so arrogant....so thoughtless...and get so much enjoyment over inflicting pain for our own satisfaction. i think 0.98 of the population needs to be killed...but hey, violence never solves anything does it?

anywayz...if u wanna help...go to wspa.com....im not gonna force everyone into donating money or whatever....coz im not gonna preach what i dont practice...i wish i could donate money actually, butttttt you can never trust anyone these days can you...who knows if its actually gonne ba going to the bears.

but im sort of rambling now...trying to prove a point but not really getting it across.

back to studying....

random

2005-06-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

i get enjoyment out of doing the most stupid things. and the people close to me know that....i dont know, it keeps me sane...screwing with people's minds...practical jokes...things that arent even funny but leave me rolling on the floor in laughter anyway whilst everyone else just looks on thinking "what the f**k is she on?".

poor dave is always the victim of my jokes. everytime i go over his house...i manage to take the pineapple from his kitchen table...tuck it under the sheets in his bed...so that when he goes to sleep at night....he ends up in alot of pain. ahahahahha. today...i took the box of fruitloops from his kicthen table..and well, they ended up in his bed too. ahahahahah good fun.

i swear i was more mature when i was 12 years old. these days, alli wanna do is laugh...

whenever my older sister is about to go out somewhere...i find it necessary to hide in her cupboard so that when she comes looking for something to wear....she gets me instead. ahahah the look on her face is always priceless.

for the rare times that i go to the doctors...i always manage to pinch the insides of my arms (the part near the elbow sort of)...causing it to look like im a drug addict...and then watch the doctors eyes dart back and forth across my arm...whilst trying to figure out whether or not to confront me. lol.

when my parents go out..i overload my younger sister on sugar...so she's on a sugar high when they come home...and its always those times that i just 'coincidently' have to go out.

poor people...i wonder how they put up with me sometimes.

i managed to convince my dad today that the facewash in the bathroom that i bought recently was really bleach and making my skin peel....he's so gullable.

i like to wait until about 2.00am....when every one has finally fallen asleep....and then wait for the perfect moment...then let out the loudest chicken noise i can make. then hearing my mum and dad whispering "what was that...." before dad hesitently gets up and checks out the house.

my older sister has a huge fear of lizards.....so i found a dead frill neck lizard and put it in her bed. that was at least a year ago...i still dont think she's forgiven me.

i sometimes attach plastic pegs to my ears just to see how much it hurts.

AND NOOOO...I CANT FINISH THIS ENTRY COZ I HAVE TO GO TO BED...HOW SAD...GOING TO BED AT 10.00....LOL...JESS NEEDS HER BEAUTY SLEEP. goodnight friends! *rolls down hill and flies away*

How does it feel to be different?

2005-06-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone's different. Obviously.

which, in that case, makes me different from everyone else.

but...how is "different" defined anyway? and who exactly is "everyone else" ???

they're two questions i'v ebeen tryin to figure out for a while now. but 'm getting no closer.

"different" i guess means to me everything that i would consider out of the ordinary...out of the ordinary for me anyway...a change of what i'm used too.

and "everyone else"...well i guess that just means everyone that "isn't me."

but who am i anyway? and where do i fit into this world?

and how do my opinions fit into everyone else's everyday lives?

and the stuff i feel..do others sit and stare and feel the same too?

do i move anyone? do i affect you in anyway?

and for one day...how would it feel to be "different" ????

and what the hell is my purpose in this torn apart world....do i even have one? and will i ever figure it out??

......how am i defined?

2005-06-03T22:45:00.000-07:00

so one day i was on a bus....and sitting on a seat..(obviously)...and as the bus came to a sudden stop...my face slammed into the seat infront of me...like a pancake hitting a brick wall. thats exactly what it sounded like. ahahah it was such an awesome noise. ang and berna, do u guys remember that? almost as good as the time i ran smack bang into berna's clothesline...berna..that photo of us in pain is absolutely priceless :p

ang, berna and tara, i was reading over that memoires book earlier on...and im gonna add them here so u guys can keep them...and so other people can read them and either laugh, or just think "what the ....?" -

english - "it's not everyday you walk into a room and find an allan on your desk."

"captain jess"

mine and berna's mustang

ang, berna and jess coming to the realisation that they have communication problems - 1st february 2005 :)

health - Ms Manderson ; "bernie, can you come up here and write on the board?"
berna ; "could i not?"

the time my drink bottle fell off the top pf j block after health and hit that poor girl on the way down AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

charles falling in the bin

dave at new years - self explanatory really

health joke - "next thing we know we'll have to trow our radio's out the window and drive with our windows up"

pg 77 of th elegal textbook where the man married his tv

health joke "do we need to go on an excursion to the sewage treatment plant" (yep miss...ahuh...surrrrre)

"its not everyday you look out the window and see a yohan in the bushes"

"whenever i cry, my eyes water" - no shit, berna lol (she meant to say 'when i laugh my eyes water')

berna's 'i've just done my make up and cant mess it up face'

tara's "i've just straightened my hair' walk

wednesday 9th february - jess buys new sport socks. (why we put that in there...who knows...actaully i think i wrote that for my own amusement)

"no education is just as good as a kedron education" - said by berna in health

berna getting sent out of health to sit underneath that little shade thingy 'in order to settle down.' lol did she actually think that was going to work?

legal excursion...following the 2 guys to get to the courts

"pigeons sir...pigeons"

"soon we'll have to cut down an entire forrest to go to an SRC meeting" - health joke

me and berna walking out to white street...talking about ducks...and that old teacher with the walking stick comes up behind us and goes "ooh ducks...quack quack"

april tuna from 'popular' and her random dance

but berna...i think the best possible one is definitely the grandma. ok, for those of you who dont know...me and berna were waiting at a bus stop, but someone started smoking near us...so we got up and moved....and as we were moving..we walked past this old grandma who turns to us and goes "yeh, you're cool"..and like, rolling her eyes at us...oh yeh grandma, it's on!

well thats it...just some random flashbacks...ah good times:)

question

2005-06-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

if a spaceship is travelling at the speed of light....what will happen when the headlights are turned on?

does anyone know the answer?

2005-06-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

i was thinking about death before....as you do (lol) ...because it fascinates me...how once it happens, then that's the end. there's no coming back....nothing. no one knows what its like..well except for those who are dead of course...no one knows what happens..what lies afterwards....what you see..if u feel..if u think...and the most frightening part...it will happen to each and everyone of us one day. and there is no escaping it...no running from it..no cheating it...it will happen..and when and where it happens, we have no control over it. we are such fragile creatures....completely breakable...and once we get broken too much...we just....die.

so that got me thinking about how when a person dies...everything they once owned...everything they learnt...everything they cherished..all the pain they felt..all the dreams they had...their intelligence..there feelings of love...they vanish. completely gone. everything that that person has worked for in their life..everything they love...they will no longer enjoy or experience. and its just left there.

like when my grandma died...as soon as she did, all her possessions were taken out of her house and in a number of weeks new people had moved in. it was like she never even existed in a way...her possessions were just distibuted...and there was no longer "nanna's house." it was just another house in the street. the memories...remained in my head...but they were gone. its like putting a face to a name..well no longer can i put a memory to a house. and i cant see the justification in all the happy memories that were created in that house...to just have them gone, replaced by other people..forgotten...for all those years it took to build those memories...it only took her death and a few days afterwards to push those memories to the back of the cupboard and move on. how can u forget 80 years of someone's life in just minutes? well...i can only really remember 6 0r s0 years..she died when i was 8 ...and well, my first memory was when i was two...so 6 years is fair enough i guess. but how frightening it must have been for her to have to leave behind those 80 years of her life...everything she was...everything she felt..everything she lived for...to have to say goodbye to that and then just die. move on into another existance.

thats why photographs amuse me. every single photograph tells a story. sometimes if u go into second hand shops there will be photographs...there will be photographs...why whould u sell photgraphs? it like putting your memories up for sale...they're priceless. how can someone pay for something that u created in your life?

to be continued....

2005-05-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

"When you realize your only friend
has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end
And you wake up to see all your dreams have been compromised
Our standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
We sacrifice our pride, sacrifice our health
We must demand more, not of each other, but more from ourselves"

bored

2005-05-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

im bored. so very very bored. and not bored as in i have nothing to do..i have loads of stuff to do..im just bored on a deeper level. bored with life in general...bored with the same old things...bored with who i am..and how i look...just sooooo bored. i need a change!!!! nothing excites me anymore. just,....soooo...bored.

and whats worse...im just plain bored of being bored.

2005-05-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

i cannot understand how you can go to school with someone for 5 years and still have no idea who the hell they are.

fair enough that u dont want to get to know them..but you could at least know their name.

like in year 10, there was this boy in my form class...and he had been in my form class for the whole year...and then towards the end of the year, he started asking me if i was new. lol

i just dont get it.

2005-05-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

NUDGE IS HOME! AHAHAHAHAH NUDGE NUDGE NUDGE

NUDGE.

....... NUDGE!:)

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

ok so does everyone know those ads that the government releases....to educate us teens on drink driving and drug taking etc etc.

well none of them have ever affected me. they've always just been another lecture...something i dont need to know ...whatever.

but ...i must say..the one they've released..the one where the guy is speeding...and he hits the woman and her baby that are walking down the street....and you get a major close up of a baby covered in blood hysterically crying...while the mother lies next to her dead? that is the first one that has hit me.

would anyone else agree?

i'd be lost without you here...

2005-05-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

ok, so he is the best present i have ever recieved...given to me on my 12th birthday...an absolutely priceless gift...and something that has brought me so much joy over the last 5 years.

and that's nudge. ok so i know he's only a cat...and how can someone love a cat so much? well its possible...he is one of the best parts of my living life..may sound stupid, but its true. he is not one of those stupid cats that sits around and eats and sleeps..nudge has personality. from the very first day i got him when he was 6 weeks old, he has been right by my side ever since. and i mean literally. if im sleeping...he's right there next to me, with his head on the pillow as well. when i watch tv...he is right there beside me on the couch, watching tv too...when im doing homeowrk, he comes and sits on my work....when i eat, he gives me that gorgeous look where he wants to eat too...every single morning around 4 or 5...i feel the same little feet jump up onto my bed and make his way under the covers. when i get high...he gets high too. (not as in drugs...just happy) ...and its awesome, coz i can tell him absolutely everything...and he has never once judged me, never once talked back (coz that would be kind of scary really)...and never once abandoned me. they say that a dog is mans best friend....well maybe they just havenbt met nudge yet. he is just so loyal....and shiny..and absolutely beautiful...and just the most gorgeous living creature i have ever seen in my life. and truth is, although to some he is just another cat, to me he is my life...and i would be lost without him here.

so where is he? and why hasnt he come home yet? and who dared to hurt him...abuse him like that...and hurt my beautiful boy. if i find out who it is...i will literally beat the shit out of you. harsh, i know, but hurt nudge, and i hurt you.

i just want my baby to come home..:(

i....hate....maths

2005-05-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

maths would have to be the most uninspiring subject ever. its boring...pointless...and the class is just generally crap.

and i know that although people do say that you'll never use it again in your life...in a weird sort of way we do...coz on the outside its just adding up a whole heap of numbers...but focusing on the bigger picture...it seems that mathematics is simply enabling the human mind to think outside the square they live in...its a judgement of the minds capability into problem solving...and a twisted way of exercising and improving the intelligence of ones self. but because thats not making sense...

im just gonna say that maths is crap.

there's a few footballers in the class...and well...THEY JUST CANT FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS! and i know im bitching abut them again..i should stop....but they just dont do anything! and then there's a few c block girls who are more concerned with how they look whilst working than how well they're actually doing...

but the worst part would have to be the teacher. his mouth fills with spit when he talks..actually he doesnt talk...he seems to find that the best way of communicating is to yell..and when you're tying to do individual work..its just so irritating...coz all you can hear is yelling.

but i guess all im really trying to say is that its uninspiring...i could be wasting my time doing so much other worthwhile things.

cant...wait...till...november....18th (GRADUATION DAY!)

jess has a job!:)

2005-05-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

ah havent written in while...partly because i havent hard time...partly because ive had nothing to write about...but mostly because im sick of waiting for my dodgy computer to take ten million hours to connect to the internet...i swear it's from the 40's (a little exagerated...but who cares:) )

but not alot has been happening in the life of the jess recently. nothing out of the ordinary anyway.

actually, i did manage to get myself a job. yep....i am an official sandwich artist...the jess works at subway!:) and i get my own little uniform...and my own little hat...and apron..and name badge...just like a real little worker and everything:) i've only done 4 shifts...or maybe its five...but ..the pay is good and the hours are reasonable so im not complaining. although it is a lot harder than i thought it would be...especially when ur doing a 6 hour shift with one other person..and have to handle the dinner rush and the whole close...not fun...but i tend to entertain myself...although the bad thing is..there is no one there that i really know...so no one to understand my sense of humour...but hey, who cares:) one of the most interesting parts of it though is the customers that u tend to encounter. you have to deal with all works of life...and it just really opens your eyes to what kind of people are out there in the world. most of them are sooo incredibly nice and understanding...not to mention patient..and u can have awesome conversations with them....but then you get the occassional one who is just a complete *insert whatever word you wish* ....

like last night....serving...this guy came in..he would have been in his late 20's or so..and although u shouldnt judge a person by how they look...you could just tell that he was a complete smartarse. like, he obviously knew i was training..and that i was stressed and tired and had had a bad day...so first he decides to mumble what kind of bread he wants...so after about 5 million times having to say "pardon"...and finally find out what bread he wants...i go to get it....i pull it out...and am just about to start making the rest of it..and my manager comes out to see how im going..so of course the guy ordering has to decide at that very moment to tell me that nooooo, that was not the bread he wanted...and that i had got it wrong...then i ask him what meat he wants on that...so he ordered a particular meat...and then i had to ask him the cheese...and then the salad...and all that was sorted...and just as im abou tto wrap it...he decides to tell me he wants it melted...despite the fact he made it clear he didnt want it that way when i asked him at the start...and so in order to melt it, i had to take off all the salad, swap the meat and the cheese around...and then melt it...then do allll the salads again...and the sauces etc etc. all whilst listening to him stand behidn the counter and laugh at me. i know i was taking long..but it was my first time serving...and yep, he just had to make it ten times more difficult ...so then his mate comes in...and he proceeds to laugh as well..all whilst im struggling to get it altogether...and finally, i served it...told him to havre an awesome day (with the most forced smile i could possibly do) and then went out the back where me and the other girl i was working with had a huge bitch about him..ah well, karma will catch up with him:)

and then i got this other woman...who knew i was training as well..and i was just taking my time...making sure to get things write...and she was soooo nice at first...she was like "your doing a great job, your service is great etc. etc" and so i was like "thankyou" and then she fully turns around and says in the the most angriest voice ever "BUT IM IN A HURRY!" and then fully death stared me....honestly, if she was in a rush..then why the hell did she stop to get food in the first place. common knowledge people!

but yeh..there's also the really nice customers....the ones you probably expect to be really impatient and stuff...they're usually the most understanding.

but ive had this job for two weeks now...i hope i make it past the three week mark, unlike my other job...but that's a compltely different story! :)

...

2005-05-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

anyone else hear on the news how the japanese are planning to come and hunt wales off australia's coastline?

(im not racist towards japanese..just in case i say anything in here that does make people believe so)

and the australian government said that they will enforce all their laws...but they still will not send the navy out

that is so typical!!! those poor wales.

why can't people just stop the bullshit and stop fucking killing the animals. seriously....its not needed...

and really...this is australia's coastline..of course we have the power to prevent this from happening...but nooooo...seems we're too lazy too. our government system is pretty good..but sometimes its just so screwed up that it is not even funny....

and with this whole schapelle corby thing....u'd think the bali government would just fucking get over it alreaydy...and why theh ell isnt john howard doing any more to save her? (presuming she is innocent) i mean, when the bali bombings happened...australia had no hesitation what so ever in sending their military teams over there to assist in the clean up and everything...yet still bali is too stubborn to return the favour and let her go....even if she is guilty, can't they just let her stay in a jail over here? it's absolute bullshit if u ask me....

why the hell isnt john howard over there himself trying to do something about it? it's his people.....yet still he decides not to do anything.

aht his world is screwed....

not to mention the killing that is taking place right now of the tribes in the amazon...why do people have to interfere with nature..those tribes weren't hurting anyone...so why must poeple kill them and take their homes...

maybe im just naive and think the world could be perfect....although its unrealistic...

why

2005-05-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

ah yes...i forgot to mention something in my last post....i must sound like the biggest bitch right now..but hey, everyone is entitled to an opinion...

ok, on friday's assembly, how mr o'connor mentioned that AFL player (or whoever he was) that unfortunately died not long ago. fair enough, his two children used to go to wavell and he did volunteer his services to help fottball players at our school for aw hile (well i think that's what mr o'connor said) and yer...but the thing is, none of us have any idea who the hell he is...and its unfortunate that he died...and he had every single right to be mentioned on assembly and be paid respect to...coz he was obviously a very giving man...etc. etc.

but the thing is, i don't get it how mr o'connor will mention someone like this on assembly...someone who we don't really know....yet he still failed to hold any sort of memorial for the little boy who was in yr 10 last year at wavell...and died on the christmas holidays just been ..waiting for a liver transplant. there was not a single mention...acknowledgement or remembrance towards him....yet i bet that if he was a football player, the school would have gone out of their way to mention him.

whilst the year 12 health education departments pushes the fact that we need to donate our organs..(thankyou, year 12 health!),....yet here is a little boy who was a perfect example of a child waiting...something that hits so incredibly close to home...something we coudl use for advocacy...but still, there was no mention at all.

i really just do not undertsand.

but i am sorry for both the little boys parents and the afl player who died....i didn't wanna seem disrespectful in any way by writing this....

so...how do u spell football???

2005-05-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I think it’s about time our school got some new teachers. It’s more like a prison now…not a place where u feel free to learn. Or in any other matter…express your opinion.

All the teachers are consumed in the schools image and how we are perceived by other schools. The generation gap is huge…and it desperately needs to be filled.

There’s this one teacher at school…he is an absolute sexest pig. A HPE teacher…typically…and he is just an absolute asshole. He’s always been like that…most of the male HPE teachers are…but this one is like 60…bout time he moved on it hink. He wasn’t gonna let me, berna and ang run the cross country last week simply because we were dressed head to toe in house colours. It is people like him who get shitty and discriminates against people who don’t participate, and then when 3 people actually do decide to revive team spirit and get dressed up..he loses it. but like always…we managed to argue our way through.

Even when Berna’s mum asked if there would ever be an excellence progrm in netball at school he said there wouldn’t be because it wasn’t a unisex sport. Hello..then why the hell is there an excellence in football…coz yeh…surrrre…girls are allowed to play that *note the sarcasm*

And what’s the deal with the footballers being thanked on the ANZAC day assembly for getting there on time? What about the other 1000 students who managed to walk from one side of the school to the other and get there on time as well. and cant' we just have ONE assembly where we focus on what those men did for us in the war...without having the footballers somehow incorporated into it. Well, it seems when it comes to social equity, our school lacks in that area.

It’s not exactly the footballers that are the problem…it is the way in which the school treats them that truly make them believe that they are superior to everyone else…that just because they are footballers they can pick on the year 8’s…that they can squeeze into the tuckshop line..that they can take up several seats on the bus whilst a dozen other people have to stand. The fact that they get their own showers..and oh yeh, they’re own lockers…when they don’t even have any big textbooks to carry..coz no…they’re too stupid to do proper subjects..instead they kick a ball around to gain instant glorification (ok, stereotypical…im not saying all footballers are like this..and I don’t wanna seem like im putting myself above them, coz im not..im just trying to give anyone who doesn’t go to our school an idea of what the ones at school are like). And the worst part about it..is that they think that absolutely every single girl in the school wants them and needs them…they look them up and down as they walk past…make degrading comments…c’mon, reality check…we do not want you..nor do we need you. im sure im not the only one who says id rather date my sister than go out with one of them (ok…maybe a bit too extreme…but u get what I mean lol)

Anywayz..moving back onto the whole teacher thing…you’d think that if they were employed to work in an environment like the one in which a school has…don’t u think it’s about time that they adapt to their surroundings and the workings of the 21st century…and when two people want to hug…and they basically scream down your throat to get your hands off…sure, I can understand why they would oppose to anything more than a hug…but you’d think that to a certain extent that they should be somewhat encouraging a healthy relationship and display of affection, in a way….i mean, human interaction is not a crime, so why do they treat it like that?…

Ok and surely…all students should have to behave in an acceptable and appropriate manner..but telling a person they will have to fail yr 12 biology or whatever just coz they cant afford to get new shoes is a load of crap..it’s all about the image to them…never the education,,,more how the community perceives us…not hwo we should perceive ourselves..in summer…our health is forgotten about by being made to wear those horrible uniforms…meanwhile the teachers sit in an airconditioned office in whatever clothes they must…whilst we are expected to work and achieve our best in an environment that’s not suitable for working in due to such extreme conditions..

Also the fact that leaders and members of the school committees are chosen by their marks half the time…just because someone gets good marks…doesn’t make them any better a leader because of it.

Hmmm well..now that I’ve had a bitch..i can move on now..i don’t know…things just need to be changed at school…so glad im leaving within the next 6 months… i must sound so incredibly ungrateful....but im just sick of it....

only u can help me heal...

2005-05-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

its often fascinated me how the human body can heal itself. just the way it mends....psychologically, emotionally and physically. its more likely to be more successful in healing physically like scratches and wounds and broken bones and stuff...but then there is the whole healing process also involved in when ur heart gets broken..building up immunities to certain dissapointments...emotionally to the struggles of everdya life and being able to adapt to them etc. etc.

so its often fascinated me as to why the body can not exactly fight off such diseases as cancer...and why things such as depression are never healed properly. for we as humans are the ones who bring it upon our bodies...so why can't we heal it?

like, there must be scertain properties in one person that are responsible for cancer..and why some people get it and others dont...and i personally think that there mut have to be a way of tapping into a certain area of our brain that would enable our body to tell itself and aide itself in the healing process.

the only thing that could stand in the way of my theory would be if cancer was in fact brought on by a certain something that humans have created in history. a certain unnatural property that has no end....if im making sense here.

but..i do believe that if cancer is brought on by a certain reactyion between say, two chemicals in your body that some people have and others dont...then we should be able to heal it. our brains are the masterminds of our bodies, they control everything..as soon as you lose that brainpower, you are dead...so why cant we even grab a hold of our own brains and tap into that one certain area that enables us to heal.

and it frustrates me...coz there must be a way of doing it!:) but thats just my opinion for now...i have work to do..and i will talk to u all later! bubuye :)

useless rambles of the jess

2005-05-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

anyone ever had that homesick feeling...but whilst being at home? when ur lying in bed at night..and thats the one place u want to be..but it still doesnt feel like you're there...and ur still missing everything that surrounds you. its there..in front of your eyes..u can touch it...you can see it...but u still choose to miss it. and then u start to question yourself about what ur missing...and when u cant figure it out...you drive yourself insane with negative thoughts about why u just cant figure it out.

have u ever loved someone so much that it has made you cry? when they're standing right there beside you...and u know they love you back..but its just all too overwhelming and you just wanna break down and cry and be sad...when u have no reasons at all to be sad...but u choose to just because you love that one person so much.

have you ever done something instead of something u should have been doing..then everythign turns out for the worst...and u taunt yourself for hours and hours just because of that one tiny mistake uve made...and there's nothing you can do about it.

have u ever been immobolized by fear when the only thing you have to fear is fear itself..when at the end of the day, everything will be ok..but u convince yourself wayyyy too many times that it wont..that everyday, you thrive off the false senses of security...because thats all you know and the only thing you want to feel.

and finally...have you ever experienced that emotional exhaustion..where u want to feel..but u just cant feel...and everything around you is moving wayy too fast...and you're too tired to keep up...when all your emotions are mixed..you dont know which way to go..what road to take..and what the end result will be.

all of you...i hope you all experience true contentment in your lives. such a wonderful feeling....

IRIS - GOOGOO DOLLS

2005-05-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

and i'd give up forever to touch you
coz i know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i've ever been
and i don't want to go home right now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
but sooner or later it's over
i just don't wanna miss you tonight
and i don't want the world to see me
coz i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeh you bleed just to know you're alive....

jess likes that song. the lyrics are....*insert word here* i cant think of the word...but i think its just the fact that within 16 lines, the lyrics say so much. talks about love...death...the feeling odf falling in lover...separation...death...life..the struggles of everyday life...

but hey..this sint an enlgish lesson...i wont deconstruct it and take out all the ideologies and intertextuality and gaps and silences (thankyou yr 8,9,10,11 and 12 english!)..and i'll leave it here...

hmmmm

2005-05-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

not much has been happening in the life of the jess lately. finally did my english speech yesterday...so thats out of the way now....only ancient history and health left to do by the end of next week...and then exams. oh yay. *fakes some enthusiam*

in other news, i got my formal dress yesterday. yep...finally...actually, it was a lot easier than i thought...the first day i went looking..i found it...so i bought it! all good:)

umm wat else...dave is in canberra at the moment..well not in canberra...but right now, on a plane to canberra...he left me here for four days!!!!! geez louise.

and and and ..its my dads bday today!

and omg is it just me..or is anyone else so over the whole QCS preparation thing? i know that i am...at least writing the thing todya was alot more successful then i thought it would be.

anywayz...jess must be off now...work to do...have fun everyone:) bubuye

friends

2005-05-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

listening to a speech my dad made at his birthday party today made me think.

he was rambling on about something that was like, its important to have friends around you. and not just the friends that are there...but the ones that are there day to day..for years..and maybe even for the rest of your life.

i feel sad for anyone who doesnt have a "true" friend. i have certainly found mine..and i wouldnt be no one without them there by my side..and to imagine not having friends like those would be heartbreaking.

jess loves her friends!:)

when u have someone to rely on...

2005-05-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

i was thinking before about stuff. and just how people generally get down sometimes and everything...and feel depressed...or stuff like that. and its not aimed at anyone in specific..its just a generalisation...but i personally think that when someone actually says to you "if u ever need anyone to talk to" or whatever...this generally makes the person who is suffering not want to talk about it at all.

its sort of like, when u know you have a tonne of people out there who are willing to hear you out and everthing...you still just do not want to tell them anything.

its like, when parents say to you "if u ever need anything or just wanna talk...u know you can always come straight to me"...its sort of like, they've opened it up, so wats the point in talking about anything with them any further? you're immediate reaction is just to go against everything they have offered you and not tell them a thing.

its weird...but its just how the human mind works.

i dont know..maybe everything i just said is a load of crap...but thats just what i thought anyway.

but yes...i do have more to say..but i will leave it at that for now because i have other stuff to do.

bubuye everyone!:)

2005-05-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

today was my dad's surprise 50th birthday....after months of stressful organization...the wait was finally ended today.

it was a really nice get together....it was his first ever birthday party...and im pretty sure he had the time of his life. he made an awesome speech as well..and it was nice to see all his friends and family come together to celebrate him in that way.

but yer..although it is not his real birthday until thursday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! i love you.

2005-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone...i stole this from my friend hugh's blog...im sorry hugh if u didnt want me putting this on here..but i just liked it the post in general.

Loneliness

Loneliness is emptiness. There is no better way to describe it. It is a vacuosity of the soul. It is a coldness of the heart that no fire, no hot chocolate, no hand-knitted quilt could ever warm. It is all-encompassing, ungforgettable, irresistable and debilitating. Loneliness is, in its own way, death.

its so true!

2005-04-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

hey everyone....sorrry i havent been blogging...but i havent had time...got wayyy too many assignments...so i'll blog when i can..but until then...have fun and be happy:)

penguins

2005-04-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

ahh jess jess jess:)

so has anyone else seen that awesome ad on tv...the one with the penguins? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA y'know the one with the three penguins standing in a line..with little hawian shirts on! hahahahah they are so cute! sexy beasts! just like nudge really! ahahah nudge nudge nudge..aww i love nudge...sexy beast:) did i mention he was a sexy beast? NNNNUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE! *said with aggression*

hmmm ANZAC day today....good fun...well not really fun, but u know what i mean:) its nice to have a day where u remember...of course we (this generation) really have no idea about the true effects of war and everything...but still, its nice to remember.

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them."
- ('For the Fallen' , last verse, by Lawrence Binyon")

that verse is really beautiful...not too sure what makes it so special...maybe its just the fact that everytime an australian or new zealand person hears that verse they immediately associate it with ANZAC day and all the nice traditions that go along with it...a public holiday, spending time with the family etc. etc.

hmmm i remembered just before that i have a friend in the soloman islands (yep...i know that was really random and has nothing to do with ANZAC day...but it was a clean change of subject:))...and yeh, i sort of just realised that i have no idea whether or not she is alive or dead. i met her in pre-school, and from what i can remember..she was just one of the nicest people i have, and ever will, meet. her and her whole family. it must have looked a little weird though when our families would get together...here you have my family, a typical australian family with white skin...etc etc...and then her and her family...migrants, with the blackest skin imaginable...yet still, we all got along brilliantly. goes to show that people from different races can be friends:) but yer...i think they left for the soloman islands when i was in yr 2...and then i recieved a letter from her when i was 12 (which was a really nice gesture..considering the fact that i hadnt heard from her for so long..and it was an in-class project for her to do, to send a letter...so it was a nice thought to think of me.) and yeh, about a year after that..we recieved another letter from her family...a war had broken out in their village..and they needed money to come back to australia. thousands of dollars. and they asked my family for it. unfortunately, we did not have the money at the time..otherwise we would have been more than willing to send it to them..and well yer, we never heard from them again. and i now wonder whether or not they are alive or not. its kind of sad in a way, how people lose contact etc. etc. ah well...

hmmm hey i just rambled! woot:) i swear there was something else i had to say...oh yeh thats right..i was gonna ramble on about death. its such a funny thing...because its something we are all faced with...and there is no escaping it. and it can strike at any time. just like that...things change...circumstances are undeniable....and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. hmmm. interesting.

anywayz...even though i have more to say... i will leave it at that...because there is ice-cream to be eaten!:) wooot! goodbye!:)

hoomph!

2005-04-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

ok so whats with queensland being renamed "the smart state". i liked it so much better when it was "the sunshine state"!!!! *jess gets cranky* JESS IS NOT IMPRESSED!! i want it to stay as the sunshine state *frowns, rolls into a ball and cries* :(

2005-04-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

i have a smoothie:) ahahah david made it for me AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH.

2005-04-24T13:21:00.001-07:00

Q: why did bob fall off the roof??

A: coz bob was a tractor! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

2005-04-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

ahh jess jess jess

2005-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone…in all honesty…where do you want to be in five years from now? Or maybe even ten?

I asked myself that before, and found myself even more confused then before I started thinking…because it well and truly hit me that my life is so unprepared….so unorganized…unarranged and unplanned.

I do the things I need to do every day, I go to school etc. etc. im young, I like to let go and have fun. But sometimes when it comes to remembering the things that really matter…that’s when I need help the most.

When I was younger (ok I know im only 17..but still lol) I always thought that I would want a good career, loads of money and to be successful etc. etc. to please the people around me…and on top of all of that, be happy in what I do.

Now, in reality, it seems that things don’t always turn out that way. Im not putting limitations on myself, Im still young and I can pretty much do whatever I want in my life. But it just seems that that “perfect” lifestyle is harder to achieve than I ever imagined. I also came to the realization that things like that (the big house etc etc) are not exactly picture perfect, and above all, are too clichéd, too planned and in general, too boring. In reality, its just not as easy as it all seemed to be, when you were 10 and the world made sense.

I realized before that when talking about my future, I no longer have to say “WHEN I leave school..” anymore. For once in my life, its not that distant…its not just a vision in the back of my head, or something that one day might just happen…nor is it “here” or “right now”. But its soon. It’s next year – this time, 365 days, who knows where I’ll be. It’s exciting but terrifying.

Sometimes I wish I was really good at something. Ive been thinking, and when it comes to uni and stuff, there’s nothng that really takes my interest. And I wish there was. I wish I was musically talented or something…so I could just do that for the rest of my life. Or outstandingly beautiful so I could just be a model or whatever (actually, no, I wouldn’t want that..but they’re just examples.)

I was looking at my older sisters awards the other day. She’s 19, in her second year studying radiation therapy, it’s a three year course, when she’s finished that, she’s thinking of going into oncology (which is specializing in cancer research and diagnosis.) she recently topped her uni class…receiving the nucletron Australian institure of radipgraphy prize. I didn’t get jealous in the fact that its unfair for her to receive that award…im happy for her, she’s always worked hard and she deserves absolutely everything that she gets in return. As much as me and her argue & just don’t get along at all, I wish her all the happiness in the world. But why does it seem that things just came so easier to her, and sometimes, for other people, they’re just so hard to achieve.

Its weird though, because after so long of pushing myself into thinking there is no other path in life than to have a good career, a huge house, and loads of money…ive realized lately that maybe I really just do not want that. That my life is not meant to turn out like that. That something else is waiting for me…

Which is why I do not have one of those lists. Y’know the ones people make of what they want to achieve before they die…they could work for some people, but things like that just don’t make sense to me. I don’t want guidelines to follow, I want to just go with whatever…to find happiness in every single day….to be in a different place every day…to travel everywhere…live off whatever I can, and stop giving a damn about other peoples criticism. And that’s exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Which is why I have made the decision not to enroll in uni next year…some may argue that its really stupid..and sure, im young and naïve, and maybe don’t have any idea at all what the hell im talking about, but I sort of realized that its something I want to do.

I don’t want to be on the same old train everyday…having set days planned out and working around a timetable. I wanna be able to wake up and think “hey..im gonna do this today.” Which is kind of a little unrealistic considering I don’t have any money, and one day I do want kids of my own, and I wanna be able to give them the best lives possible…the big house, the endless opportunities….everything.

But I do not want to spend the rest of my life in an office. Time on earth is limited…u could die 2morrow. There’s no point sometimes in saying “I do this when I retire etc etc.” just do it now. Have fun. I know its not as simple as that…but hey, im just a vulnerable child.

Anywayz….sometimes I guess you gotta take risks. I don’t, but I wanna start trying. Maybe this whole not going to uni thing is also just a phase that I’ll grow out of by next year…but once again, im not gonna say to myself “im NOT or NEVER going to uni.”
Because, afterall, that would be planning my life. And who needs that anyway? :)

the things u'll never say....

2005-04-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

life is unpredictable. everyone talks and plans their future. everyone plans what they're gonna say....but why cant people just say it? whats on their mind...right there, right then...just come out and say it. i know i dont...and its not directed at anyone in particular...but just in general..why is it so hard for the human race to say what they wanna say.

saying what you feel is like writing a blog entry. you dont write a blog entry with the main purpose being as to please anyone with your words or to get recognition from anyone....you write a blog entry, because it feels right and its what ur thinking and feeling inside. so when u say something...why say it with the intention of trying to please someone? just say it because u mean it..and because you know you do.

you also dont write a blog entry in the hopes of someone reading it...so why say something with the false hope that someone's gonna hear it? (ok that sort of may not make sense...but just let me keep going...). you write a blog entry because of the fact that ur soul has been exposed, and you love that thrill, people can take your words and twist them, yet you trust them enough not too. so why sit there and not say something that u wanna say because u are fearing that someone is going to twist the words, just have a little more faith and trust people not too.

Sometimes what u want to say to someone…they don’t give u the time to hear it out…which is why it is easier to sit down and type it…because more than likely…that person does want to know about you, they just don’t want to admit it infront of everyone or their friends…and they are interested and wrapped up in your words…but they just don’t wanna hear it until it suits them. When they read your blog (or whatever it is that u have written)..they can secretly find out about you…think what they want, and not be criticized.

you write a blog entry because you are in the safety of your own home (or behind a computer wherever) and so if u are to write something, and someone gets offended...they cant hurt you...they can ignore you...but all they can do is leave a comment. it sort of ties in with the fact that its ok to hurt behind closed doors...just as long as nobody sees or hears.

If it weren’t for blogs..i sometimes wonder whether or not we would all know as much as we do about each other. Its through blogs that our words are not forced upon someone..but they take them on in their leisure time to read, and to develop their thoughts as to what is right and as to what is wrong. Whether they choose to like you, or whether they will just continue to ignore you.

Although this entry might not be too clear to people..maybe I didn’t get what I wanted to get across, but I have a nasty habit of using metaphors and messed up things to describe situations and for explanations..but I know what I mean in my head.

But if there is anything you choose to take out of this blog entry…make sure that when you say something to someone, make it sound as though no one else can hear. Forget about limitations…criticism…if you feel something for someone, if you want to say it, then just say it. pretend its just you in the room..and whoever you want to say your words too…..say it based on the ideology that even if that special someone was not in the room, or oculdnt hear you, you’d say it anyway. And it will make sense. And you’ll find that everything will be ok….

remember...freedom of speech is just that - 'free'.

hello:)

2005-04-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

hey everyone. how are we all? im good...this is actually one of those weeks at school where i have time to sit down on school nights and relax...without all the assignments.

and whats the deal with giving us a week and a half to write and perform a dramatic monologue on a shakespeare play that we only JUST finished reading today.

and y'know what i really really hate? teachers that are so serious. y'know the ones that have to go by ALL the rules...who make you sit in silence for the whole 70 minutes and do nothing....the ones that yell at you if u dare to ask a question...and put u down because your beliefs arent the same as theirs. its not cool *shakes head in disapproval*....i havent had a personal run in with a teacher like that...but other people in my classes have..and im over it. dont the teachers realise that we would all get better marks if we actually looked forawrd to going to class without the fear of them putting you down or whatever. ah well.

and jess has a cold. lol. i had a dream last night that i had a cold..and i woke up this morning with one! why the jess? lol

and and and...i saw the saddest and most disgusting thing last night...driving along round 10 last night wiht my dad after dropping dave home...A TRUCKLOAD OF BATTERY HENS! poor things. guys...do yourselves and the chickens a favour...buy free range eggs dammit! and i know they're just chickens...but they're cute...and its still abuse...doesnt matter if they dont feel like we feel..there is no need for conditions like that...so help the chickens out! i know one person buying different eggs wouldnt really make a difference..but hey, everyone has to start somewhere.

and this is where i end it....right...NOW.

evil laughs

2005-04-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

i cant help it, but sometimes i screw with peoples heads so much.

i am fascinated by human behaviour...interaction...and the way in which a person reacts.

is why i like to play jokes on alot of people. although i sort of hold back alot of the time coz i dont wanna upset people and everything or whatever....or have them take it the wrong way...but its just so much fun:)

like with poor old dave, im sorry dave, but sometimes you're just so easy to play jokes on. im sorry i screw with your head so much....

i dunno...i just like the reactions i get....tis why i often just sit and observe people....so im sorry if anyone thinks im just some freak who sits there and stares at people...but i like watching the different behavioural patterns.

well ummm hmmmm...thats all i feel like writing...bubuye friends:)

SLeeP

2005-04-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

yep...ben's party last night...and another night that jess spent asleep on a concrete slab. lol. it was actually quite comfortable really...hope u had an awesome night ben...even though, well, you had passed out by nine, but still!

and yep...someone managed to throw up on my pillow. lol. ahahahahahhahahaha i shouldnt be laughing really..coz its kind of really gross...but of all things, jess's pillow!! geez people! lol..but mum bought me a new one today, so we can all breathe again:) oh dear...

anywayz...i came home to get some sleep this arvo...coz i practically had no sleep at all (i dont think a few hours spent asleep on a piece of concret ereally counts:) )...but i realised just how hard it is to actually try and get some sleep round here...after FINALLY getting to sleep...ignoring the stabbing pains in my neck....i was awoken by my older sister who conveniently wanted to borrow some of my clothes. AT THAT EXACT TIME. 10 minutes after i had finally gotten to sleep. why? and when i asked her where she was going..she said no where. she just simply wanted to borrow some. lol. couldnt she have waited just an hour or so until i woke up?? obviously not....

so just as i was dozing back off again...mum decides to come in to my room and put clothes away...yep..banging cupboard doors and asking me questions about the party last night...all whilst i have one eye open and have no idea who the hell she is anyway.

so she finally left...and jess was getting cranky at this point...because i love my sleep..and JUST as i was dosing off again....directly outside my bedroom window, dad had parked his car,..and yep, he decided he wanted to vacuum clean it. RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!!!

grrrrrr ah well. i finally got to go to sleep after that but still!

and did i mention that there is a giant crow that decides to wake me up every single morning around the ungodly hour of 5 or 6...and i still maintain that it sits RIGHT on my window sill...stupid crow.

anywayz...thats the end of my bitch...i shall move on now:)

sLeEp

2005-04-17T03:07:00.001-07:00

sLeEp

2005-04-17T03:07:00.000-07:00

TiMe

2005-04-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

ok this doesnt have any meaning to it...its just one of those things that keeps happening to me over and over again.

everywhere i go...every time i look at a clock...the digits are always the same. like, its either 01:01 or 02:02 or 11:11 etc etc.

and its so weird. it has bene happenign to me so much lately. when i get in the car...the digits are always like that...i'll look at the clock at random times and it will be like that...

like, last night..as i went to bed, i took one final look at the clock and it was 22:22. in the early hours of this morning i heard my phone drop onto the floor (coz i sleep with it in my bed so i can actually hear when the alarm goes off)...and i layed there for a while too tired to pick it up..but when i finally did pick it up..i looked at the time and it said 03:03. i fell back asleep...and later on i woke up again right on 05:05.

the other night i was talking on my phone and i hung up right on 05:05.

those are all examples..there are so many more..and it always happens to me! so weird!

left handed

2005-04-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

this is just in relation to the post i wrote a few days ago..the one i wrote about being left handed...so if i had to write with my foot, would my left one be better...

well i tried the whole soccer thing...seems i cant help but kick the ball with my right foot. thats the only way it feels right. same in primary school, when i played softball for a while...seems i could only ever catch AND throw with my right hand..caused a bit of a problem...but using my left hand never felt right. and although i do write left handed..i cant stand to use left handed scissors and all those things that go along with being left handed....weird, huh??
so what does that mean..that i use both sides of my brain!! someone tell me..i want to know!:)

the last time i saw u alive...

2005-04-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago....i took the first part of the day off school to finish an assignment..and decided to go around midday. dad wasnt home..so i had to catch a bus.

i didnt expect anyone to be at the bus stop..but when i got there..there was this little old lady. i must admit, i thought "oh god here we go..she's gonna tell me all about her grandchildren and im just gonna have to nod and smile and be nice to her"...but i started talking to her anyway...and i found out that she was a really really good person to talk to. well, she did tell me all about her grandchildren...lol...generation gaps etc. etc.just the usual....and we had a lovely old chat (ahha no seirously, we did.)

and well yer..i didnt really realise it at the time..but i was trying to sort out some things in my life at that moment...and had been thinking about them all in such great detail and stressing about them and everything...and some of those things i was stressing about, she brang up in the conversation (coincidence...or maybe she just knew something i didnt yet) ....and some of her words really did get through to me. they affected me more than i thought they would. and it was weird..that was the first time i had ever met this woman in my whole life..yet she was teaching me some of life's greatest lessons...

anywayz..we got on the bus...it got ot my stop eventually..and because she was sitting up the front and i was down the back...i just got off without saying goodbye. didnt help that she was deaf in one of her ears and probably wouldnt have heard me if i said goodbye anywayz....but now when i come to think of it, i really do wish i had of.

and i wish i had off because a few days after that.....she was hit by a car on the way to the bus stop and died.

i do wish i had of thanked her for helping me...but im not gonna say to myself "if only she was alive i would say this to her etc. etc." coz the truth is..if she was still alive, i wouldnt bother. because i would always keep telling myself that there would be another chance. how was i to know that it was the last time i would see her alive? and its not like i really did know her anywayz....i did only talk to her for that 40 minutes in which we were waiting for the bus...

but what im trying to get at here is...when a loved one or someone close to you dies...you cant sit there for hours and beat yourself up about it, saying "if only they were still alive..i could give them one last hug...if only they were sitll alive, i could tell them that i was in love with them that whole time....if only they were still alive, i would say goodbye."
because the truth is, you would have never have done that stuff. you cant traumatise yourself for things you couldnt have helped.

i dont know why i wanted to post this...guess im just bored..and well, i could watch the simpsons....buttt..its a repeat:( lol

ok have fun bloggers..bubuye

AuStRaLiA

2005-04-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

ahh blog blog blog.

today i was thinking..and realised just how lucky i am to live where i am. apart from living in one of the most beautiful countries in the world (nooo..im not biased:) lol)...everything is just so convenient around here.

i get to experience city life...suburbian life...beach life...country life...the outback..everything:)

like....i live in the suburbs...but its only really a 15 minute drive into the city....going to school in the morning you get a beautiful view of the city....and its about a 45 minute drive to the sunshine coast....1 1/2 hour drive to the gold coast (both coasts have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world)....a 10 minute drive to bay's like sandgate and stuff...a few hours drive to the country...and a few hours drive to outback parts as well. plus when ur driving to the sunshine coast you get an unbelievable view of the glass house mountains.

i live a 2 minute walk from a bus stop...5 minute walk to a train station and 10-15 min drive to both the domestic and international airports. i have two main shopping centres on either side of me, about a 10-15 min drive to them as well.

and you'd think that someone who lived so close to all these things would have to put up with really bad traffic and stuff, but it really doesnt affect anyone round here. its just a nice, quiet, suburbian area....

plus i have friends allll around me....berna just down the street..ang over the train line...ben, matt and lauke are all about a 5-10 minute walk away..and then there's hugh who's only like, 15-20 minutes walk...and all the other people in my group, although they dont live in the same suburb..they are still all not that far away.

plus the weather is awesome...summer is really really really really hot..but its excellent weather for the beach..and then our winters dont get so incredibly cold that u cant move, but they still get cold enough to allow you to whinge about how ur freezing...and there actually really isnt much of a spring or autumn...all the seasons sort of just mould together.

and we live near the main amusement parks...like dreamworld, seaworld and movieworld...wet 'n' wild...steve irwin's crocodile park thingy....well all between a 40 minute-90 minute drive.

and i just realised all of that then! seems you learn something new everyday. and i also just realised that ive told pretty much the whole world exactly where i live...woops!

ah jess jess jess :)

randommmmm...

2005-04-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

everyone...there is a mushroom in my front yard!! aahahahha a mushroom!!!!!! ahahah it is soooo cute:)

and this is really random..but do u wanna know what noise i love?? when ur wearing thongs...or lose shoes...and u walk along cement. COZ IT SOUNDS LIKE A DUCK WALKING! *makes duck noises* QUACK . i love ducks. i have always wanted a pet duck.

2005-04-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

ok. so in the whole 12 years that i have been going to school, i have never cried once while i've been there.

but that all changed on friday. yep, i broke down at lunch time....after everything that's been going on lately..i promised myself i wouldnt let it get to me coz it wasnt worth it..but yep, it got to me and i gave in.

so i thought i was alright to go to class, but sitting there in last lesson, well, i lost it again. now i dont usually like to let people see me cry..and alot of people probably actually havent seen that side to the jess...but you probably did on friday.

im not one of those people that just cries to get attention...but i must admit that if i see one of the people i love crying, like friends and family and stuff...i find it extremely hard not to cry...but i guess that isnt the point of this post so i will move on...

anywayz....when i revealed that side to myself on friday, i was surprised as to the amazing warmth that everyone directed towards me. that of my legal studies teacher...the poor woman..she's always so concerned for me....but she was just so incredibly nice...that i sort of just wanted to turn around and hug her (ok i dont have tendancies to hug teachers...but it was just one of those moments..and well yeh..i didnt...but its was just the whole genorisity of it all lol)...and then a visit from the deputy principle..and he was just so nice about it as well...then when i finally did return to class at the end of the lesson...just people swarming up to me asking if i was alright.

its funny though..coz there's the types of people that are only asking u if ur alright and how u feel just coz they want to be up to date with all the gossip or whatever, and become involved and then spread it all around..and i encountered them..but then there were just some genuinly nice people who havent really spoken to me before, but i could tell that there were genuinly concerned for me. its moments like those that u see a persons true colours.

i think also that when u sit in a class for over 1 1/2 years..and no one really hears two wrods from you the whole time (yep..the jess is shy!) and u sort of just have a breakdown and burst into tears...its one of those rare moments where all the poeple who previously looked down upon you finally realise that you are human afterall, that you do feel, and that you do hurt.

so yes...hope ive sort of said what i wanted to say...i'll add more later...but a special thanks to tara, liz, ang, berna and dave for your comforting words!:)

hello:)

2005-04-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

hello my friends :-)

how are we all? sorry i havent posted much...but i've been having a jess stress over the last couple of days trying to get my english assignment finished on time...

its my mums birthday today and i cant even find the time to go out or celebrate with her or whatever....usually im a believer in the whole family comes first thing...but noooooooooo....stupid yr 12.

anywayz...i guess i just wanted to say that this is probably the most pointless english assignment by far...usually i love english...but this assignment has kind of ruined that for me. so time consuming and pointless...

but anywayzzzzzz...i shall be able to write again soon...until then..be happy:)

WARNING: makes uu drowsy...WOOPS!:)

2005-04-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

hello bloggers. yep..i've given in already. this will only be a quick post...coz jess has to go to bed!

ya see the thing is...i was supposed to be staying up most of the night to get a geography assignment finished..but i also have a headache..and well, being the typical jess i am, i took some medication before to get rid of it..and well, i forget to read the part where it said in big capital letters "WARNING...MAKES U DROWSY"....lol..woops:)

so for the last hour i have been doing my assignment with one eye open and one eye shut..alternating every few minutes:) does anyone happen to know just how hard it is to write about the effects of urban renewal on the atmosphere, lithosphere, hydrosphere and biosphere...and then continue to write about political issues, economical maintenance and social factors when u only have one eye open and are half out of it? well i certainly do now!:)

i also started writing my assignment with my foot before...i thought 'why the hell not'...i write with my hand every day, so why not try something different and actually write wih my foot? i gave up after 15 minutes....but hey, i managed to write a paragrpah:) but i was just wondering..im left handed...so does that mean that if i was forced to write with my foot, would i have to write with my left foot? or would i be able to write with my right? like, is it the same for feet?

hmmm dont worry guys...i will get back to u all on that one!!!

anywayz..i do actually have some worthwhile stuff to blog about for once..all these thoughts keep comign into my head..but because of school..i wont be able to find time to write them all until sometime next week!

but there will be more of the jess coming soon!!...why let a couple of hackers get in my way?

so until then..have an awesome day/s...sleep well..enjoy life..be happy and have fun!:)

bubuye:)

maybe its time u ummm...GREW UP!!!

2005-04-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

hello fellow bloggers.

how are we all??

i just wanted to tell everyone that i will not be blogging for a while as i came to the realisation that its a little creepy not to know who exactly is reading my blog.

i have had trouble with a person in the past regarding my email account..they thought it would be fun to hack into it and cause a fair bit of trouble.

and now it seems they have hacked into the email account of someone close to me and now they have our personal emails.

the jess is not impressed.

its funny though...because we know who you are. its time to grow up, dont u think? stop being so goddam obsessed with us! honestly...

but yer...this is officially the end of my blog for a while..not sure how long it will be...but im sorry to anyone who does enjoy reading it....

but yes..i will talk to u all soon hopefully..once we get this freak over and done with.

bubuye:)

hmmm

2005-04-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

ok this is going to sound stupid..but in all honesty...if ur a manager...can u fire yourself?

like, i know u could just resign...but say you wanted to add a little fun to your useless and meaningless life...could u fire yourself?

*scratches chin as she thinks*

not as bad as it all seems to be

2005-04-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

i hate that feeling where you go to sleep telling yourself that everythings going to be ok...and then as soon as you wake up...paranoia sets in.

everything all gets too much...but you finally find a way to calm yourself down...and you finally are able to try and get some sleep..and you fall asleep to the sound of your voice telling yourself that it will all work out.

and then when you're dreaming..your conscious tends to take over...and in your sleep you're dreaming of things that are scaring you in real life. and then you wake up...your heart is fast...you feel suffocated....and for that split second, you dont really know where you are, what you're meant to be doing, what the time is, what the day is, and everythings hazy. and thats when you start convincing yourself that everything is not going to be ok.

so you drag yourself up from bed...having got maybe got a whole 15 minutes sleep....only to realise that maybe things aren't relly that bad afterall...that everything will work out..

and thats when you realise that instead of constantly worrying about what needs to be done...you just have to get up and do it.

maybe im overexaggerating a bit..but all of that relates back to my assignments. so much work to do...its all catching up..and im so stressed that i cant even sleep. but i guess you could also relate it to other things in your life.

so why do i keep convincing myself that i'll never get my work done when i know that it will all turn out ok..just like it has every other time.

i dont really know what the point of this blog entry is...im just a little bored and needed a break from studying stupid maps and urban renewal crap...but ig uess instead of sitting around and stressing about assignments..(or maybe other things)...that you should just get up and do them. right now, tonight, i have done more work in the last 2 hours than i have in the last 2 weeks.

i guess what im really trying to say is that nothing is really as bad as it all seems to be.

2005-04-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

y'know how i said before that i ran into a door? well just then i got my finger stuck in a drawer. or a cupboard. whatever u would call it. and it really hurt..but it was so funny...and of course i was home alone so there was no one to laugh with...so i just had to laugh all by myself:(

hmmm only 3 days left of holidays. how crap. a lousy 10 days they give us.

hmmm well the attempt to have both my assignments finsihed by the end of the holidays has well and truly failed...unless of course i can get them done in 2 days...when they were given to us 8 weeks ago. *shrugs*.

and see...everytime i try to start them..i just end up on here..or writing about useless things...like the poem i posted just before (read below) ...not too sure what it means right now..but im sure i'll figure it out sooner or later.

well i am going to proceed onwards now and go annoy other people/things etc etc.

BUBUYE BLOGGERS!

2005-04-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

~ untitled ~

written in a dark room, with my soul as my only light
but I’ll leave it to die on the floor, as I succumb to the pain tonight
and I’ve been a shadow, a ghost on the wall and I was never really there
and I’ve been misused, abused and my senses are all impaired

captivated by immortality, but we’re always too young to die
a ticking clock falling to the ground, and we still question why
but it was me who always stayed silent, until my voice cracked in the breeze
like a ghost I stood in mourning – a suspicion, but nobody sees

and if you thought you saw the end of everything
well you just saw the end of you
because lightning never really strikes
if it hasn’t got damage to do

and in this storm you ran in the rain
and gave up before the sun could rise
and in the rain, you blew away
before the light could dry your eyes.

so commercialised

2005-04-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

i ran into a door before.

lol yep..i was walking..and sort of forgot to stop..and just walked straight into it.

but putting that aside...

i was watching the news before...the whole thing about the pope being near death...and it got me thinking about really random things..well not really random...but it got me thinking about...(get ready *GASP*) ...religion.

yep...such a touchy subject..won't type too much as i dont want to offend anyone...and this is only my opinion, doesnt count for much i guess...so if u think im wrong, the just ignore this post.

i was bitching to dave not long ago about how easter and christmas are so commercialised right now..as well as the whole "love" subject...and then i got to thinking...so is religion.

religion seems to be a trend to some people...like this whole Kabbalah thing..just because madonna has latched onto it, it now seems everyone has. not too sure if its actually hit australia yet..i really do know nothing about it...but how exactly can someone just decide what religion to choose, going by trends. each to their own i guess.

i won't state my religion...but i was thinking..about the people who constantly preach that jesus wasnt real..that dinosaurs arent in the bible etc. etc... well fair enough, they might not be, so on, so forth. but if u dont believe that jesus rose fromt he dead..that he is just a myth..then why do u celebrate christmas and easter? sure its time to spend with your family...but its so commercialised now..and schools support it by giving us holidays..and well..i sure as hell am not complaining *puts feet up and relaxes*...but if you were that passionate about insisting that he's a myth, then you really should practice what you preach.

i dont know..just some general thoughts..if u people are confused..let me know..and i'll write more...or if you think is hould just shut up right here right now...then that could work too!:)

BrOkEn PrOmisEs

2005-03-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

i hate nothing more than when someone makes a promise and then breaks it again. ...and then again...and then again....

unless of course there are good enough reasons for it...but when it comes to my sister...there never is.

remember how i told you all that on tuesday she ditched me to go out with her boyfriend? well that night she made a promise to me that on the wednesday we could go out....wednesday came...and well...she broke the promise yet again. seems her boyfriend just "conveniently" stayed the night, therfore she just couldnt "ditch" him and go with me. soo typical.

so last night (being wednesday) i was talking to my mum about it...and so she promised to take me out today...but my sister overheard and said that to save mum the hassle, she'd just go with me instead. so this morning comes..and well, guess who'sc coming around..YEP THE BOYFRIEND. and guess what....surprise surprise...she cants leave him again can she? OF COURSE NOT! and so i asked my mum again...but noo...she has to go elsewhere and sort out some stuff for my sister!

so now my sister has prmised to take me out on saturday...lets just see how long it takes her to break this one.

LOVE IS A CURSE

2005-03-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

love is undoubtly a beautiful thing, but it can also be such a curse.

when you love someone enough, you are completely bound to them....you gradually lose your independence, you can lose friends, and even more so you can lose yourself. you can become way too dependant on that one person for your happiness, for their attention, and for there every move to affect you.

your loved one dies or leaves and it just hurts way too much to even comprehend...is it even worth the pain? love causes you to cry...to find feelings in yourself that you never felt before...and to easily forgot your life and the people in it before that person came along.

how can something so good also make you feel so bad at the same time?

they say its better to have loved and lost then to have not loved at all, but i dont know. where's the justification in the fact that it is better to have loved and lost? wouldnt it just be so much easier to for go that and not have to face the feeling of isolation, loneliness, sadness and heartbreak?

once the feeling of love has gone, you tap into insanity trying to fix the pieces, only for them to be shattered again and you're brought down to a new low. and you constantly sacrifice yourself throughout all that time, and what has it achieved??

is love really a natural feeling, caused by chemicals etc etc in your body? or is love created by the fact that its the way we're meant to feel when we're going out with someone. do you really feel it, or is it all just in your head and an excuse for you to stay with that one person?

is love the same feeling for everyone?? or do we base our feeligns for another person on the way that others felt for their loved one. do we say the thigns like "i get butterflies in my stomach?" because we really do feel it, or because we make ourselves feel it, because if we dont, then you cant really be in love,can you?

is it a feeling..or just another word? a misconception...something that doesnt really exist but is fuelled by society's belief?? is the human race really that advanced, to overcome the physical aspects of things to create an everlasting love that overcomes everything?

they say if you really love someone then you should be able to sit across from them in a room without any need to touch them, to speak to them, to communicate in any way with them, and still love them exactly the same? and of course you could do this for a day...maybe even two..maybe three...because you know that eventually you will get to touch them, you will get to admire them and talk to them...but what if you erase all that, and have to sit with someone in that room for the rest of your life? could you really love that person for the rest of your life if there was no communication, no touching, ..ever. could you do it? and just ignore the obvious psychological effects of not having someone, and tell me, could u still love someone?

is it really natural/normal for two people to spend the rest of their lives together? in that time, how do you stay sane? is it right to sacrifice so much for one person?

when u say you would die for someone....it can sometimes be easier said that done...if you are really and truly faced with that decision...how many people could honestly say they would go through with it. no one obviously, because you can never answer such a thing until you are faced with it.

if your life long dream is to have children...and you find that your partner cant...do u stay with them? do u love them the same? its funny how sometimes the smallest words can change things. would u honestly be willing to give up a life long dream or them? and would u promise not to fall apart?

one of the greatest acts of "love" i read about was a couple, who had been married for over 76 years.. (im pretty sure they're still married now?) ....(and i know im tapping into the physical side of things right now..but i guess its just part of most relationships)...and they were both virgins when they got married...now the woman, she had grown up with the belief that sex was wrong, forbidden etc etc...and she obviously "loved" and respected her parents enough to never go against that...so when she was married, she refused to have sex with her husband. and he fully respected that. he too had never done it...and of course it was something he would want to do, but because he "loved" her so much, then he was willing to for go that as well. so they spend close to 80 years in a union that could never be broken, even if one of the parties refused to consumate. now that is love.

they were willing to go against every aspect of human nature for each other..the woman even wanted children, but because her beliefs were so strong, she let go of that idea..and he supported her the whole time. he could have left..he could have had an affair, but he stayed loyal to her, and that is such a beautiful thing.

so i stilll havent come to the conclusion whether or not love does really exist..or whether its created by ideologies (damn english! lol) ..or just because if you "fail" to feel those feelings, then you're not considered normal. think about that.

disorientated:(

2005-03-29T15:55:00.000-08:00

i am having one of those days where i am just so undecided.

i know that there are things i have to do...such as assignments and everything...and i want to go out..but i want to stay home...and i want to see people...but i want to be anti-social and i just dont know. im disorientated, lost and confused.

and everything today seems that little bit more difficult.

and i want to go away...but there is no where to go away to ....and im bored.

HOW RUDE!:)

2005-03-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

hello everyone!

CAN U BELIEVE THAT THE JESS HAS BEEN DITCHED? yep...by her older sister. you see, when she came home last friday, i was bitching to her about how i really really really need to buy af ormal dress coz there's only around 4 months left until the formal...so she promised that we could go today! coz if i find a dress i like..then i need somewhere with me who's over 18 who can put a deposit down and everything...so anywayz...i was getting ready to go this morning..but nooo..she decided to tell me that she's spending the day with her boyfriend instead! geez louise! not that i really cared right then, because i got to go back to bed, but still! and like, i have been in her life for 17 years, and he's been in her life for all of three weeks!

but y'know...its not like i need a formal dress or anything...i gcould always just go in a garbage bag, why the hell not? ...or maybe a potato sack..or one of those plastic poncho's...or i could just not wear anything! why the hell not! :)

2005-03-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

hey everyone...

i just thought i would explain my last entry incase you guys were wondering!

its basically just talking about childhood innocence and leaving that all behind...and the dreaded things that come along with being a teeenager..like body image and no one understanding you etc etc. and a whole lot of other thigns which i cant even be bothered explaining..although that totally defeats the purpose of this entry coz im supposed to be explaining..

but ahhh i give up ! lol oh dear..BYE BLOGGERS!

Something i wrote today while bored:)

2005-03-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

“untitled”

What I see is real, but what is real I do not see
And through the shattered glass you remained loyal to me
Still you stood so fearful, visionary – beautiful inside
A fading glimpse of fragile skin, covered distressing things to hide
Vapourising teardrops, fogged up images surrounding you
Burning patchwork wrapped you up in all still left to do
Your mind just standing still on vacant, waiting for yourself to dissapear
Unnatached, you’re leaving me stranded, to relinquish in all my fears

"But all those times I saw butterflies
Delicate on wings, but fragile lives
And all those times I saw far aways
But why did those fairies die?"

And how could I tell that all was not well
Was it something I saw in your eyes
Why didn’t I see the beautiful me
My flaws created my lies..

I found a place to paint my dreams
But still they rest on minimal
Comforting words kept me alive
But why ido I feel invisible?

Improvisation provided me with roles
People had only just begun
To see the face that held the truth
My smile was the saddened sun

And with the moon i fell apart
Away from everyone’s sorrow
To be strong for you is never enough
And you’re making me feel so hollow
They talk about delving deeper in
That beauty comes from the inside
So why does nobody bother to look,
Until they see you cry

The puring rain will take you no where
It just leaves blood all over the place
And forgiveness is made, but forgotten again
And you still have to face disgrace

So why does it matter to you how I look?
Or why there are tears in my eyes
And why do we have to grow up
And leave fairytales behind…
And why do we have to forget you
...AND LEAVE ALL THOSE FAIRIES TO DIE

2005-03-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

HAPPY EASTER!:)

someone's watching me... shifty eyes

2005-03-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

im bored. so im blogging.

last day of term 1 today! finally! its all over...for 12 days anyway! and and and...its actually getting cooler (as in the weather)...i could actually wear a jumper the other day without getting hot! thank god. hope it snows!:) even though it doesnt snow in australia..but hey...one can only dream!

anywayz...i have a brand new stalker! yep..this is the 3rd stalker ive had in the last three years...but this one is actually stalking my house! and leaving easter eggs in the front garden! lol of all things...easter eggs. like...good on them for getting into the spirit of easter...but is it really necessary to leave them in the garden that is 3cm from the loungeroom window? *shudders*..SCARY STUFF!

but yes...my parentals got home from picking my little sister up from school and there were easter eggs in the garden...so they got them and threw them out (cant trust candy from strangers!!) ...and they went back an hour later and there was more! which means someone would have actually had to come into the yard while we were home and put easter eggs just below our window!

and of course they decide to tell me this just as they're leaving to go out shopping and leave me home by myself...so of ocurse the whole 2 1/2 they were gone i sat in fear on my lounge waiting to look out the window and see someone with a stocking ove their head leaving easter eggs in our yard. and so i was sitting there...and all of a sudden...i see a white figure coming across my front lawn...and they came to the door...and well...i got a little caught in the moment and had nothign to defend myself...so i grabbed a photoframe! never underestimate the power of the photoframe! it was pretty heavy..so it would have hurt if i had to wack someone over the head with it. NO ONE WOULD EVER SUSPECT THE PHOTO FRAME! so yes...and ive always been given the lecture that you should never answer the door to strangers...and i dont usually...but they wouldnt leave...so i went an answered it..and well..IT WAS MY GRANDMA! so there i was...stuggling for breath, and restraining myself from hitting my own grandma over the head with a photo frame...poor woman..probably had no idea what i was doing. but of course she wasnt the stalker..she was just paying a visit.

and well..it doesnt really help that she's deaf. has been all her life. cant speak or hear. and i can do sign language of course...i just cant really undertsand it that well when somone signs to me..so after about 5 minutes of her just signing continously and making all sorts of faces...even at one stage holding her side like she was in immense pain....i simply nodded and smiled...nodded and smiled again...laugh a little...raised my eyebrows...nodded again..and then she smiled..and just left. just left me standing there...a little weird i know: but the poor woman..hope it wasnt a medical emergency or anything...coz i sure as hell couldnt undertsand a single word she was signing. oh well:)

and yeh...then i got a call from some cranky bitch of a sales assisstant/survey woman thingy. i hate getting calls like that...but i thought..hey, why the hell not..im gonna be nice...so she was asking me if i had a home loan..and i was like "umm well im only 17 and my parents are unavaila........" and before i even got to finsih my word she had hung up! how rude! she could have at least said thanx or someting..but no...she just hung up. oh dear.

oh well. hmmmmm well that is all i think...just sharing with you moments from the life of jess:)

but yeeeeeeees.....one lesson i think we have all learnt from today....NO ONE WOULD EVER SUSPECT THE PHOTO FRAME!

bye friends!

JUST JESS! high smiles

2005-03-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

hi everyone!!

i am sorry i havent been blogging much lately...just tryin to catch up on school!! last day 2morrow...doesnt mean the assignments are over though...still got two to do on the holidays...and wats with holidays only being 10 days as well!?!? geez louise!

i dotn like my blog entries to get toooo personal..but i will just fill u all in on whats been going on in the life of the jess lately?!?!?!

yesterday - 22nd ; dave and i have been together for 6 months. i wont go pouring my heart out on here...i'll reserve that for another time...but dave, you know everything that i wanted to say:)

tomorrow (24th) - last day of term 1!!! 3 more terms to go! then i'll be free...AND I CAN RUN WILD! WOOOHOO! *dances*

friday (25th) JESS'S BIRTHDAY!!! how come birthdays just arent as exciting as they used to be?? i'll be 17...and won't feel one bit different at all. in a way its just another day, well except for the cake of course:) mmmm cake! but yer...17 is such an awkward age. i always associated being 17 as being in yr 12 and an age that would take ages to reach...well slap me on the back and call me asian...its gonna happen in 2 days! maybe i'll just fall asleep tomorrow night and not wake up until saturday...afterall, if im not awake to acknowledge my birthday...then really, it never did happen! and who needs to be 17 anyway? lol..i dont wanna grow old!

plus, my sister flies in as well...can u believe that its been 5 weeks already? she managed to get herself a boyfriend while she was there...cant wait to freak the poor guy out:) but like always..i promise to do my best.

sunday (27th) EASTER! and like birthdays, why isnt it the same as it used to be? where has all the novelty gone. sure, the chocolate still tastes good...but not as good as when u thought it was delivered to you by a giant rabbit. actually, there's something a little unsettling about a giant bunny coming into your room and leaving you chocolates. but let us not go too far into that...*covers eyes*

i still remember one of my favourite easters...my dad went to all the trouble of gettin flour or something...finding something in the shape of a pawprint..and leaving little white paw prints all over the carpets in the house....and then we used to go easter egg hunting....WHY DONT I FIND THAT FUN ANYMORE GODDAMIT?!?!?!?!?!?!!? and i remember when dad used to hide easter eggs in the garden..and our dumbass dog would come along..and eat them..with the wrapper still on HAAHHA aww poor thing...she was only hungry. lol.

ah well...im rambling..but i will write something again soon hopefully..if i dont get too sidetracked! lol who knows..maybe next time i make a post i will be 17! woot! thanx guys..have fun..be happy..dont stress!:)

R.I.P Neil

2005-03-19T19:40:00.000-08:00

R.I.P neil...i never meant for you to die!

for the uninitiated, neil was a spider. i discovered him one morning when i was walking to the bus stop with ang, when i almost walked into his web. and needless to say, he scared the crap out of us. we both almost passed out...which is kind of sad considering the fact we are 17 year old girls lol. and we must have looked so stupid screaming and running around in circles ...much to the horror of the cars driving past.

and some of you may think that .."so what its just a spider?" BUT IT WAS HUGE! SERIOUSLY..IT WAS BIG..AND WHITE...AND OMG SO BIG THAT YOU COULD SEE ITS EYES..AND OMG OMG OMG..IT WAS JUST SO BIG! im not the kind of girl who screams when a bug lands on her or whatever..but this spider was seriously huge.

so now that i've established that it was HUGE, did i mention that it was HUGE?? and guess what, it was HUGE? (ok...over it lol)...but yes...that was about 2 weeks ago. so every school day after that day...i counted my steps to the tree where it was...and tried my very best to avoid it. i must have looked seriously so retarded...just walking along, all of a sudden coming to a stop..looking in the trees..and then ducking to avoid a spider that none of the cars would have been able to see (ahahahaha)...and i even made the sacrifice of adding a whole 2 minutes to my walk and going through the park just to avoid it!

but a week passed...and i was sick of having to go through the park in the morning..and then in the afternoon...so i decided to face my fears and face neil!!!

so i did...i started walking past him. and i would look at him, and he would look at me...and i seriously knew he was out to get me. i could see the look in his eyes. i could tell he just wanted to pounce on me and eat me alive (shudders)...and so i would close my eyes and just quickly walk past..and then look back to make sure he wasnt attached to my neck or somehow wrapped himself around my leg in the whole 1.2 seconds that it takes to pass the tree lol. and every day, he was stillin his web lol.

so anywayz...i soon realised that he was wayyy more scared of me...and completely harmless (unless of ocurse he bit me..in which case, i would have to bite back)...and that he just wanted to get on with his day...and let me get on with mine. so i started to become friendly with him...and even took the liberty of giving him a name...NEIL! (after the groundsman at school, which we still havent managed to track down..have we girls? lol) and yes...last thursday..i even managed to wave at good old NEIL! and if only he could wave back..if his huge digusting mangled legs werent stuck to the web..but he didnt...but i knew he wanted to...so ever since then...me and neil had been "like this." *crosses fingers*

so on friday morning..i left for the bus stop...and was preparing myself to walk past neil...when i realised that the council had chopped down the trees! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT WAS MY NEIL THAT THEY TOOK! who was i going to say hi to on the way to school now? poor neil :(

so now i am unaware of the whereabouts of neil...whether he is dead..or alive...C'MON I NEED SOME CLOSURE! lol! but stranger things have happened...maybe one day he will just magically turn up on my doorstep...actually, no offence neil, but i hope you dont...coz even though we are "like this"...you freak me out.

R.I.P neil:( may u continue to catch as many bugs as you can until your little heart is content!!!

*still shudders at the though of neil's appearnace* lol

just a thought...

2005-03-16T22:30:00.000-08:00

what is wrong with people today.

the human race is selfish...ignorant...shallow...stubborn..and overall, just fully screwed up.

we as humans have the ability to make or break...discover or destroy....love and hate. so why do we absue the privelege so much?

and whats the deal with animal cruelty. the justice system is screwed up completely...some of the things that are done to animals these days is completely acceptable in the eyes of the law. if it were done to humans...then there would be an uproar...but because its done to animals..we think nothing of it.

where is the jutsice in jailing a man for 18 months for pouring petrol over a kitten and setting it alight...to have it die as a result...when he will probably get out after a mere 2/3 months anyway.

the same thing would be done to a human...and it would create such a tremendous uproar. i know alot of you would throw the argument that an animal just is an animal..and sure, they dont think like we do...but they still feel.

nobody has the right to take the life of another living thing...whether or own species or not.

in all honesty though, it is never gonna stop. thats life...us humans see ourselves as superior..and so the cicle of life continues. our superiority should be used as an advantage towards other living things..and we should not look down upon them.

when a creature rely's on your for their life...rely's on you to feed them..to look after them...its a beautiful thing.

so why do we feel the need to hurt them?

i know that most household pets are domesticated...but for those who arent...they are simply tamed by their fear.
like, i had a pet turtle once..just a penny turtle i think it was...called myrtle. lol. anywayz, i literally held its life in the palm of my hands. never did it squirm once when i held it...not because i had somehow managed to "tame" this creature that should be out in the wild...but because of its fear obviously. same goes for most creatures you hold...whilst we look upon them as liking us and obeying our demands because they love us and we hold power above them, think again...because its out of fear that they stay so calm.

(i think im way off track here...hope im making sense)

also, im not a very religious person..but dont u think that whatever force placed us on this earht, would surely have placed us with everything we need to survive? if a disease is able to create itself on this planet..there should be a cure. if cancer is able to spread so easily...dont u think its a little weird that we have not yet found a cure? fo something to be able to be created, there must be a cure.

but we, as humans, the selfish creatures that we are, have surely already destroyed all remainders of those cures.

everything natural that starts....must also have a natural end. birht is a natural thing..so is death. natural diseases such as cancer are natural...so where's the natural cure.

surely...we have already destroyed it. maybe it was found in an animal that is now extinct...a plant thatw e chopped down..or the everyday household pests that we so desperately try to get rid of...

Because it feels like the last time...

2005-03-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

people are always saying to me "live today as if its your last"....i agree with this sometimes...othertimes, id rather just look at my days as if they arent my last. not because i dont want certain moments to end...but more so that i can rid of the limitations.

if you say that u must live this day like your last...you try and squueze so much stuff into it...you get stressed and you forget the real reason behind living this day as your last. it just doesnt make sense to me sometimes.

take for example exams...when someone knows they are doing an exam..it can work in a negative and positive way. you know its an exam...so you're pushed to do you best....but also, you know its an exam, so u stress yourself out..watch your every move..and criticise yourself for every answer you write...not really sure whether or not you're doing the right thing. yet it works in a positive way coz you have time to prepare...but in a negative way coz you've immdiately got limitations on yourself...

however, if you dont know its an exam...then you will most likely do better. you have a certain element of freedom in your answers...for once you're not focused on the marks you'll be getting..or how you will be judged...but just what u think at that exact moment.

exams are about getting the answers right. freedom of words is experimental.

im using exams as just an example...coz its something that everyone can relate to. but i hope you guys are focusing on the bigger picture.

if you live your day the way you want to...without thinking it will be your last...you keep on going because tomorrows a mystery and there is no certain way of ever knowing how that day will turn out...unless you live it. when someone tells you there is no tomorrow...you push yourself way too far...and end up over the edge with so many mixed emotions and regrets on what you should have/wanted to do. if u have the chance to do that 2morrow...then you'll be so much more at peace with yourself. and well, if 2morrow never comes, you will never know. live each day the way you want..but if u ask me...live it as though its not your last. :)

because even though it may feel like the last time..it never really is.

SUFFOCATED

2005-03-14T21:40:00.000-08:00

the jess is feeling a little suffocated at the moment.

i feel as though my every move is being monitored...and that everyone knows everything about me. maybe its coz i post my feelings on a blog...who knows. but i just feel like the world is closing in on me at the moment...

i guess maybe i need to breathe:)

more memories!

2005-03-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

yep..im afraid to say that reading ang and berna's blogs about memories has sparked some memories of my own...i keep having random flashbacks and none of you are on msn so ill put them on here instead:) woot:)

ok...the time i thought i had a crab on my foot..but it was really my shoe 9if you saw what the shoes looked like..you would understand why i thought it was a crab lol)

...ang..your fight with the footy guys..

"GIRLS I AM SO CLOSE TO CALLING YOUR PARENTS!"

JUST LOOKIN AT YA BUDDY!

me and ang going to get icecream down at banyo ..and the guy behind the counter..US: "it looks hairy" *referring to the ice on the icecream container) GUY BEHIND COUNTER: "well if you think thats hairy...you should see my back!" :

at bernas house..me and ang fighting over the drink bottle..and then both me and ang running for the mattress...but ang missing lol

sliding down the stairs on the mattress at tara's...and shed falling off ahahahah

ang...when we went for the health exam early..and got all those lollies..and got really high under the tables at h block ahahahahha

berna...you stacking it up hughs stairs..and all me and ang saw underneath the house was you falling ahahha

AND BERNA..OMG ..YOU TODAY...TRIPPING IN THE GUTTER AT H BLOCK AND ALMOST FALLING ON ME! LOL

when i was watchign the dodgy midday movie at home..and berna and ang just show up out of no where..and wander in...with me in my pyjamas under the biggest possible doona you could ever find lol

listening to b*witched "some people say i look like me dad' lol

yr 9 aap "she'll be coming round the mountain" on the swivel chair

..running into the clothesline...

when me, berna, shed and tara called ryan and were like "yo...can we please speak to joel?" and then when joel comes on..."yo, joel...can we please speak to ryan!"

CARBOARD! AND MOLLY! LOL

when i pegged the drink bottle at you ang...and it left that huge mark..SORRY!

the state of origin "so..what states are playing?"

AH GOOD TIMES!! and omg the other joel "sup girls!'

lol..the macca's guys..and the one who was touching my leg..so i disowned it! lol

rick! ah good old rick..he never did call us though! and then we found out he was like...20 lol

remember ang...TONY..and him saying "i dont know which one of you i like more?" and "why dont u have a boyfriend?:" and omg how u told him i cheated on my last one just so he would go away! lol

ZAC! hahahahahaha hook in berna;) and oh yeh..my friend think u look fine;) ;) ;) and "dont leave me here by myself" so me and ang just left you! and then omg how we were sitting on the grassy hill..and like, he kept looking at you berna..and was trying to get you to talk to his friend and you're jus like "umm no!' and ahahah u gave him the wrong number!

omg i could go on forever..but ill end it here..ill add more lateR:)

PiEcES

2005-03-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

Ive noticed something about myself lately. When it comes to making decisions in my life..or even more so just choosing things..i always seem to go for the things that are scarred..or abnormal…or cracked etc. etc.

Like, when I walk into a classroom…I tend to choose the desk that is different from all the other ones.
And then I always tend to sit on a broken chair.

When im walking to school…I sometimes feel the need to walk on the other side every once and a while..just to see what it would be like.

When I buy something…I go for the one thing that is left…or am immediately attracted to the thing that is broken. I cant help it…why is it that I go for the “deformed” things…not that it is a bad thing or anythingJ

Sometimes it happens by choice…othertimes it always just works out that way.

The people I choose to become friends with are deep…they have ideas and thoughts of the world..and I can actually have a proper conversation with them when needed. They have all had their life experiences and have been through different things…and im able to learn from them. And I love it.

People tend to say “you learn from your mistakes.” Sometimes this is the case..other times, I learn from other peoples mistakes.

For an example..im gonna use dave. I started going out with him at a time when he was misunderstood..people weren’t interested in getting to know him. That is why I was drawn to him. Now im not saying that’s the only reason I went out with him..of course it isn’t…and it wasn’t that I felt sorry for him in any way or stuff like that….but there was just an element of mystery surrounding him. I wanted to know why he was the way he was. Why he believed in what he did. His life story…and wanted to learn anything he was willing to teach me.

The same goes for my closest friends….when you’re that close to someone…you hear and learn things that no one else is learning or hearing…when they tell you something deep and personal…u feel like you’ve been let in on the biggest secret ever…and feel as though you should keep that sacred. You feel sacred to them..and when you offer someone your trust..and they accept it…that’s one of the most content feelings in the world.

I love learning from broken things. I love piecing them all back together…one by one. This mostly relates to people who come in and out of my life.
I love when people feel they can trust me…I love when you can finally dissect someone…I love knowing a person like no one else knows them…I love that raw element of freshness, when someone is so compassionate about the world, when you’re feeling down. Or when that person is feeling down, you can turn the tables and be compassionate..and maybe even save them.

Sometimes when u try to help someone..it doesn’t always work out for the best. Sometimes just being there for them is enough. It’s the time when you’re not trying your hardest that sometimes your true colours show through. When you’re just simply being yourself…without the limitations, without the need for recognition.

Some times the things you don’t want people to know are the things that people find out…or sometimes it’s the things that you want people to know that they don’t find out.

So maybe next time you go to choose something…go to buy something…don’t pick the “perfect” thing…pick the thing that you can learn from…can have fun with…and most importantly…will last the longest. In life, and in love.

unbelievably bored

2005-03-10T18:30:00.000-08:00

hey everyone...right now..i am so unbelievably bored...but i have sooo much stuff to do. but why is everything so boring? i know ive complained about my boredom numerous times in previous blog entries...but still...im just not interested in anything.

and do any of you have any idea how hard it is to do a whole legal studies assignment with the simpsons playing in the background?? ....it sucks living in a small house..

im just sick of doing the same thing everyday...getting up and going to school ...on weekends sleeping in..etc etc. thats all i seem to do. and i do have the ability to do something about my boredom..but..i ..just..dont..have..the...energy. i feel so drained.

and im sorry i havent been blogging much lately...but ive just had so many assignments to do. i have so many ideas for interesting entries and stuff..and most of them are somehow written in my head...but i never know how to actually put them into words on my blog. oh the stress of being jess. but, i will be able to start writing again very soon.

but anywayz...must..go..do...assignments. i hope everyone is having a good time..doing whatever they do! and be happy..

100 TODAY!!

2005-03-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

guess what everyone?? this is my 100th blog entry!!!! thankyou to everyone who reads my blog..usually i ramble on about useless crap..but sometimes i manage to come up with something useful to say..but yes..thanx to everyone who reads and leaves commments...its good to know someone reads my words!:) and oh yeh..next person to send me a message will be the 100th text message sent to my phone! woot..so hurry along now children...:)

Goodnight, sleep tight....yeh, right!

2005-03-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

i think ive made an entry already on the places ive slept but ive got another one to add to my list!

last night...i slept on a deck! lol and must i say..my back has never been so sore. lol.

so now...im happy to say that the places ive slept are..

berna's concrete slab (it was unbelievably uncomfortable...dead serious...one of the best morning sleeps ive ever had)
berna's coffee table (well, i didnt actually fall asleep...but i came close to it)
hugh's freezer
tara's pool fence (that was quite comfortable as well actually)
bens deck
wrapped in a sheet, underneath one of those beach tent thingy's, in bens backyard
taras loungeroom floor (i know, not too weird, but it was considering the fact that her mum went to all the trouble of making beds for us..and i just sort of fell asleep on the floor) lol
a park bench...well it was at the side of bernas house..not really in a park..but it was still a bench!
infront of a computer
upside down on taras stairs (that would have had to of been the most uncomfortable...once all the blood starts rushing to your head)
when me and ang fell asleep in geography..and Mr. Burge just sat there shaking his head at us lol
in between the port racks at school..when i got my hangover 3 days later lol

AND I THINK THAT MIGHT BE IT! BUT IF I REMEMBER ANY OTHER ONES...ILL ADD THEM! AND IF U GUYS REMEMBER ANY...PLEASE TELL ME IN A COMMENT! WOOT!:)

Abortion

2005-03-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

ok, i know this is such a controversial topic...and i dont wanna offend anyone.

but i was reading in a magazine recently the whole abortion issue. and it got me thinking.

ok..im not sure about laws regarding this issue in other countries..but for those of you who dont live in australia, there is a push to get all abortions banned. there are different rules and regulations in relation to different states...and i know that in queensland right now, an abortion is legal if it harms the mothers physical and mental wellbeing, as well as the unborn childs.

this is an issue i want to be aware of. personally, i never EVER want to be faced with having to make that decision...but i was putting myself in those shoes before, just to enable myself to look at things from another perspective..and started wondering just what i would do in a situation like that. i know that at this age, i would not be able to financially support a child. nor would my parents be able to. so do you still bring that child into the world anyway??? i guess it all goes by personal choice...but could you just imagine ever having to make that decision?

if you did decide to bring that child into the world, unable to financially support them, wouldnt you be doing more harm than good? every single child who is brought into this world has the right to maintian a supportive environment..one in which they are unconditionally loved..fed...clothed...and raised. ...if you cant offer them this, then isnt it better not to offer them anything??
sorry if that sounds cold..and its not necessarily my opinion...i choose to look at issues from all sides..it was just a thought though.

another thing...a girl is raped, shouldnt she have the right to decide to terminate a pregnancy that would be a constant reminder of the tourment she has been through? what was done to that girl was unjust..wouldnt it also be considered unjust to force her to bring life into this world which is not necassarily 'unwanted', but would affect her for the rest of her life?

im not saying that every woman should be given this "opportunity" (if you could call it an oportunity)..as some would most definitely just abuse the law...but definitely under certain curcumstances a woman should be able to make that final decision. once again..i will make it clear by saying that it is everyone's own and personal choice..i know so many people have different views on this issue..thats why i am trying to keep my opinion as quiet as possible in case i do offend someone.

let me just say that it is now a good thing that the father gets a say in what the mother decides to do. say for example the woman decides she wants to have an abortion against her partners will...well the man now has the chance to step into the situation and say whether or not HE wants to keep the child. i think thats a good law...although i guess then again its different for all situations.

however, before i end this entry, i just want to say that it upsets me a little that the majority of the people trying to push this whole banning of abortions are infact men. never, ever, does a man have to experience carrying a child...never ever would he ever feel that certain emotional attachment that a woman has to the child whilst in the womb...never could they begin to imagine the deep and heart wrenching thoughts and feelings that would go into having to make a decision in whether or not to end a childs life. i believe that in the court of law, the final decision should come down to a team of females. of course men will and always have been looked at as the most dominant, the most powerful who at the end of the day seem to somewhat have more of a say in what goes on in this world...but never EVER should a man have the oppurtunity to stand before a country and say that abortions should be banned, no matter what the circumstances.

of cousre the help of a male in deciding the outcome of such a law is needed...as woman are more emotional..and not as straight to the point..but honestly...a man never has the right to make that decision..

2005-03-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

i was thinking before and i realised that there is so much of the world i still have not seen. i have never travelled alot..well of course i havent, im only 16..but still...alot of people my age have seen so many other places that i still havent seen. year 7 camp..i went to sydney and canberra...but thats as far as ive ever been. i sometimes fear that this is all im ever gonna know..where i am right now..where i live...the streets i walk...that they are the only ones im ever gonna get a chance to walk. i know thats impossible...i have the ability to make anything in my life possible (within reason)...but still, i cant help thinking that im not gonna get a chance to see half the places i want to see.

and i dont mean travelling the world and staying in 5 star resorts everywhere...i just wanna go to random places...and backpack..and camp..and reallly experience the world. i wanna go to all the places that people dont usually think of going..i wanna see the little cracks..the places that history has created..i just wanna sleep under the stars every night and find more and more happiness within the smallest places...

at the moment, i guess im making one of the biggest choices of my life...im trying to decide whether or not i should go to university next year. i have always wanted to go..actually, ive always been told to..my parentals tend to tell me that they never got the oportunity to go...and i do have the oportunity, so therefor i should go...but then again, i sometimes dont see the point in studying. just like my older sister...she is about to dedicate at least another 10 years of her life to studying medicine. im happy for her..she wants a successful career..she wants financial support for the rest of her life..she wants a taste of all the luxuries she has never tasted before. but no offence to her, but she has never really experience fun. everything in her life revolves around study...she has dedication and motivation (and i must admit, i get a little jealous of that sometimes)..but just say her life was to end 2morrow (god forbid)...she would die with a head full of knowledge..yet no happiness. i see the strain she's under...and sometimes i just wanna tell her that its ok to let go...that she should maybe show her emotions a little more..stop caring about what other people think of her and the life she chooses..and do stuff for herself. im not her, and i must admit i dont really know her that well, so im just assuming alot of this...but other people point it out to me as well) by all means, she should go for whatever she wants...im not holding her back...but wake up to yourself and have a little fun ...

maybe its the typical sibling rivalry...or maybe its what i really want to do..but i just want to go against everythign she is doing and pave my own way through life. i wanna be left alone from all the pressures everyone puts on me for just a few moments...so i can sit down and think about what i really want out of life.

it would make perfect sense to leave school and study..i mean, its worth it in the end..but the more i think about it, the more i really dont want to do it. but then i hate myself for thinking that...because i have been given so many more educational advantages than alot of other people in the world...and to neglect and abuse that privelege, would be stupid, i guess you could say.

part of me wants a stable life...with a perfectly planned future...knowing what to expect everyday, but then there is another part of me that just wants to run free and take on whatever comes my way...to go by life's plan...to take every moment as it comes and never put limitations on myself. i was talking to a teacher at school the other day (mr bird)...and we were talking about the fact im finishing school next year and what im gonna do ...and he pretty much told me straight out not to decide what i wanted to do right now, but more so when the moment comes. i guess he said this because some things dont always go according to plan. he also told me not to put limitations on myself...and even if i dont feel it now, that i have the ability to create my own life and sculpt it into my dreams. and he was so right...no one knows what tomorrow is going to bring..no one knows what is going to happen to them in the next year or so...who knows where ill be this time next year, and as far as im concerned, who cares! im just happy right now living for the moment.. ...and im gonna ignore the little voices in my head that are constantly telling me that im not good enough...

nee-ope:(

2005-03-02T21:50:00.000-08:00

ok i hate this game..this game completely sucks..i want out. this afternoon, i managed to sit here long enough to type a really good blog entry on numerous things..and it added..but its just not showing up on my blog! its completely dissapeared..and it was such an awesome entry as well!!!!! sooo typical lol. the world hates the jess! :)

A Day iN The life of "The Jess"

2005-02-25T22:20:00.000-08:00

not a day goes by when something funny doesnt happen to the jess. lol. im always laughing...i love to laugh:)

like, last night..i went shopping with my friends berna and liz..and well, we were looking at all the moisturisers and stuff...and the shelf that they were on sort of had like, little holes in it...and being the typical blonde that i am..i decided it would be fun to stick my fingers in those holes..and well yeh..they sort of got..umm..stuck. lol. AHAHAHHAHAHAHA. it was hilarious...i sort of just turned around to liz and berna and was like "guys..ummm..my..fingers are stuck!" ..but i guess you had to be there...but you guys weren't..so ill just sort of nod and smile and avoid all eye contact and proceed onwards now... *walks over there*

oh dear..i dont even know why i actually admit to people that i do those type of stupid things...but hey, i dont mind being laughed at:) the jess will fill u in on some more stories later..but until then..take care everyone:)

"tear stained pillow"

2005-02-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

What do they do with the sheets when you've bled

what do they do with your body when you're dead

what will they do with your tear stained pillow?

will they sleep on your empty bed...

what do they do with the feelings you write?

will they bottle the tears that you've cried?

what do they do with your tear stained pillow

do they leave it in the sun to dry?

what will they do when you dont wake up?

will they realise its too late to love?

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

when you've finally given up

what do they do with all your bloodied clothes

are you in heaven...nobody knows

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

now that you've found it in yourself to go...

will they brush the hair on your head

just to imagine you are not dead

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

will they leave it on your empty bed?

what will they choose as your funeral clothes

will they read your suicide note

what will they do with your tear stained pillow?

will they leave it to lay with your ghost?

will they listen to the music you played?

will they see u in heaven one day?

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

will they quickly just throw it away?

will they drink from your empty glass

what will they say when they remember your laugh

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

will they use it to wipe your scars??

what will they do in the moment you are laid to rest?

will they take your body to the church, so you can be blessed?

what will they do with your tear stained pillow

will they hold it to their beating chest?

what do they do with your ghost at night?

will they bathe it in the tears they cry?

can you please leave me your tear stained pillow?

so i can lay my head down with you tonight?

please.....leave me you tear stained pillow

so i can cry myself to sleep tonight...

- jess.

sorry guys...i was thinking again before...cant help but write when im thinking....its not talking about me or anything..dont panic and think im suicidal...it all relates to something/someone else. sorry if it upsets anyone...i was just writing what i felt...

2005-02-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

ahh jess jess jess.

i was thinking before about the subjects i had 2morrow..and realised just how boring they are! i am soo sick of doing the same thing day after day! and its too hot to work at school..and i can never concentrate and im so over it! i wish they had more exciting subjects like astronomy..or photography..or poetry/creative writing. and then maybe i would actualyl look forward to coming to school every day. geez louise!!

and another thing...we got a call from my uncle before...my 18 yr old cousin had been riding his motorbike along the road...and was hit by a woman doing 80km/h. he's in a stable condition..just a few bloodclots on his lungs...
i dont know how fast HE was going..but the woman was meant to be doing 60km/h...doctors say if only she had of been doing at least another 5km's..then he would surely be dead.
..its news like this that makes u appreciate your life for that split second...before u go back to doing what u were doing just moments before. if only that split second could last days...maybe years...then alot less people would be killed or die.

be thankful for your lives guys..and keep smiling:)

superiority and superficiality

2005-02-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

i wonder what it is in a person that makes them feel as though they are better than everyone else.

i honestly just dont understand it. of course every school has the usual groups..y'know..the popular people..the nerds..the in betweens...everything like that...but what exactly is it that makes the popular people 'popular?'

wouldnt most of you agree that these so called 'popular' people would actually have to be 'popular' to be 'popular?" ...(if you get what i mean)...like, 95% of the school hates them...and they call that popularity? sounds more like superficiality to me.

dont they realise that when they leave school they are going to be nothing to no one? just another person..ou tin the world. do they honestly believe that their 'popularity' is gonna last forever? reality check girls/guys...throughout you're five years at high school, what have u achieved? a pretty face? a tally of how many guys/girls you've slept with? a record number of how many bottles of foundation you have managed to use up? honestly...beauty gets u know where (Well, i actually could name a fewa places..*cough cough*)

now im not saying you shouldnt be totally body concious or anything...everyone has the right to want to look good...but they should be doing it for themselves and no one else. and if you've got it, then you should sure as hell flaunt it...but just within a respectable manner.

its not the end of the world when a nail breaks...when your iron flat hair becomes frizzy in the pouring rain....THERE ARE WORST THINGS IN LIFE THAN THAT! for just a few seconds, forget about what you look like and who thinks what about you and get out there and have fun. life isnt about fluffy pink clouds and ditzy rainbow coloured hair...its about the way you approach it...and solve your problems..and no - no problems will ever get solved by sleeping around with the 'hottest' footy guy (who mind you can probably not even spell 'football'...can only play it) or spending hundreds on some outfit that you'll wear once before its deemed 'uncool.' these things are merely sedatives...surely you'll soon find out the effect of the 'real drugs' (metaphorically speaking here) sometime within your life.

for example...there's girls at school..now i sit wiht a group where we all just have fun..we dont really carewhat others think..its always just us and we are who we are. of course we care about how we look..but not to the outrageous extent that we wont let anyone look at us without makeup...or actually have fun in fear of ruining our hair.) But then there's these girls..the ones who give u dirty looks when u walk into a classroom..THE ONES WHO FLIRT WITH EVERYONES BOYFRIENDS.....the ones who cant stand to sit through a whole 70 minutelesson without opening their mouth at least once to insult someone. our group has had many run ins with these type of girls..for example, in health, as were wecoming out of the classroom, one of my friends went to get her bag from the bag rack thingy'sand she had a run in with those girls. she heard them whispering to each other "why isshe putting her bag here...does she think she's actually part of our group or something'....now this friend of mine, she's not one to keep to herself..so she turned around and said "yeh..like i reallllly wanna be part of yourrr group *in really sarcastic voice*" and walked off..GOOD CALL! but seriously..last time i checked, it was a free world..we can put our bags where we want. its kind of sad that these girls shallowness is brought into the light so easily every single day...where they pass judgement on a person by where they put their bags...they act as though they are sarced, gods greatest gift..invincible..immortal...but soon enough..the cracks will begin to appear...surely one day more people will see the 'real' them (thats if they can scratch through the 65 layers of foundation first).

of course...i always used to think this was all stereotypical...you only saw these types of girls in dodgy american movies...but now that i have witnessed it first hand, i realisethat it is not a stereotype..but more a representation of reality. however, this is only what ive seen and heard. i guess i have no right to pass judgement..i have never been friends with any of these girls/guys (not that id want to though)..so i dont know their stories..i dont know their intelligence..i really dont konwwhat they're like behind closed doors...but going by my judgement, i dont think ill ever want to.

by all means guys/girls...do whatever makes you happy..live your lives the way u want to...but maybe u should take just a little time out to smile at someone every once in a while...say 'sorry' when u 'bump' into them...and get off your high horse and take a walk on stable ground.

i would hate not to have any curiosity about me. id rather spend my days keeping to myself and relying on myself for what i want/need...and when people actually come along and take the time to get to know me..then i know for sure they are there to stay. there is none of those false pretences..no smoke or mirrors...nothing...in order to find out who you'rereal friends are...you sometimes need to take a step back and analyze. by deciding to take a step back and analyze my life...everyone in it...who is really important to me and who has always been there etc.etc. ..this has enabled me to keep the friends i have today. i know these friends are for life...they always will be...i just kind of feel sorry for all the 'popular' people who will most probably never experience this form of true friendship ..as they're too wrapped up in themselves to realise that their 'friends' are simply backstabbing them..using them and abusing them and dragging them down.

take a look next time everyone at the groupd surrounding you..and maybe you will all see what i have seen.

2005-02-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

5 months today dave:) thankyou so much for everything. seriously, you have no idea how much you mean to me. i love you.

"No MoRe MisTer NiCe JeSS"

Random

THE JESS SURVIVED SCHOOLIES 2005!

rambling

A Year Ago Today :)

Existence

...

BORING

ahhhhh jess jess jess:)

Summer!:)

just another word from the jess...

the winged beast suspected the jess!

watch out world..the jess wants to fly:)

just get over it already

random

How does it feel to be different?

question

bored

i'd be lost without you here...

i....hate....maths

jess has a job!:)

...

why

so...how do u spell football???

only u can help me heal...

useless rambles of the jess

IRIS - GOOGOO DOLLS

hmmmm

friends

when u have someone to rely on...

penguins

hoomph!

the things u'll never say....

hello:)

*evil laughs*

SLeeP

sLeEp

sLeEp

TiMe

left handed

the last time i saw u alive...

AuStRaLiA

randommmmm...

hello:)

WARNING: makes uu drowsy...WOOPS!:)

maybe its time u ummm...GREW UP!!!

hmmm

not as bad as it all seems to be

so commercialised

BrOkEn PrOmisEs

LOVE IS A CURSE

disorientated:(

HOW RUDE!:)

Something i wrote today while bored:)

someone's watching me... *shifty eyes*

JUST JESS! *high smiles*

R.I.P Neil

just a thought...

Because it feels like the last time...

SUFFOCATED

more memories!

PiEcES

unbelievably bored

100 TODAY!!

Goodnight, sleep tight....yeh, right!

Abortion

nee-ope:(

A Day iN The life of "The Jess"

"tear stained pillow"

superiority and superficiality

evil laughs

someone's watching me... shifty eyes

JUST JESS! high smiles